I don't like knowing that I'll be on meds for the rest of my life. I don't like all the scary side-effects, especially the ones that can be permanent (tardive diskenesia). And I hate how my day revolves around when I take my pills.

But I also don't want to end up in a suicidal depression again. I love my family too much to get back to that point. And I don't want to spend $7,000 on a manic spree or have affairs like I did when I was manic, before getting help.

Right now, I just want OFF the antipsychotics. I truly don't think I need them. I'll take all the other crap, just not that.

In fact I'm considering going off them on my own (without permission) just to prove to my pnurse that I can be stable without them. But she'll be pissed at me for doing so.