Last night, T e-mailed me and said that there would be no trouble, no termination, just space to reconnect. So I went.

Basically, I sat down and T said he had some thoughts and feelings and then he wanted to hear my thoughts and feelings. So I listened. He had NO idea what had happened on Monday, and was really confused about my reaction and all of my big feelings. He said that he wanted me to come in today because this rupture felt "different" than others we have had. I asked him what felt different, and he said it felt so much bigger.

So, I explained what happened, from my point of view. We talked back and forth, and I know he got it in the end. He said he was really tired on Monday and that that probably played into so much of what happened...my feeling that he was pulling away (because I could sense that his energy was different), his "defensiveness" about me thinking he was pulling away, his giant mix up at the end when he said one thing and did another thing.

He said that when he got my e-mails (basically accusing him of not really caring about me), his "childish" reaction was "WHAT?!" and that he was upset.

We were able to trace what happened, why he kept triggering me over and over again, etc. I told him that I *knew* as time passed that I was really triggered and that a lot of it was about that, but that the whole thing had brought so many yucky core issues about shame and not being loved and being tricked to the surface.

It doesn't feel "all better", but it does feel like we are on the way, I think.

At the end of session, he said he wasn't going to charge me for today. That actually meant a lot to me, because it was going to be hard to come up with the extra money (although I hadn't said that to him), and because it felt unfair that I had to pay so much money to try to fix what had happened. I was willing to pay, though, and planning on it, totally. So, I was really surprised when he stood up at the end of session and told me he had thought about it and there would be no copay today. Like, he was just interested in repairing the relationship.

I still feel kind of shaky and triggered and suspicious (isn't that awful?), but not like before. I want the deep feeling of safety and security and love to come back, and I guess it will, with a little time.

I actually see him tomorrow at 9 for my regular session.

Thanks for helping me through this.