I try not to post cause I can't keep the suicidal thoughts out of my head. I take meds every 8 hours and am tempted to take the whole bottle with every pill. I have been on so many different antidepressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic and sleeping aides with a large assortment of all these drugs here. I get put on a drugs in 2 weeks I can't breath right so they give me another drug. I don't believe I will ever be well again or if I ever was. All I know is I am tired of fighting my head.
I am now applying for Social Security Disability maybe this will keep me busy for a little while. Give me a little hope that I will not lose my home cause I can't work in this state of mind. I have been hospitalized twice in the past 18 months and feel the same in and out of the hospital. All I want to do is die. I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of saying I feel ok when I don't. I'm tired of existing. My whole world has gone mad and me with it. I'm tired of trying to figure out why my father did what he did to me. I'm tired of trying to figure out how I save my home, eat my next meal, pay my next bill on unemployment and in nine weeks that is gone. I'm tired of trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm tried of getting up in the morning going to bed at night and nothing in the middle.
My therapist keep saying death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it has been a constant battle for the last 2 1/2 years. My last visit she told me she can't help me I need intense care that she can't give me and wants me in the hospital yet another time. I can't afford that. I would love to wake up just one morning and be glad to be alive; but that is just not in me now nor do I see in the future. I can't afford to get help and I can't afford not to get help. I am the walking dead.
ConfusedOne11