T has been on leave for the last 4 weeks so Ive had no contact with him at all. It has been really hard at times but I'm still here so I guess I coped with things to a point. There are large chunks of this time that I can't remember at all.

His practice was meant to let me know when he was back so that I could confrim an appointment for tomorrow. They didnt so I ended up contact them. Turns out T is here and he emailed me to let me know I was booked in his diary for tomorrow. As soon as I heard from T I totally flipped out. I became anxious, scared, panicky, and a whole host of other emotions that I can't figure out right now. But it wasnt/isnt good. I havent felt these things for a lot of the time he has been away. I dont know whether that is because he is the closest person to me and is the only "significant" person in my life so everything he says or does affects me more than anyone else.

I ended up emailing him saying that I didnt want to come to T tomorrow because I feel so much pain when I am around him or when I have any kind of contact with him, and I'm not sure I want to keep putting myself through it because it hurts so much. Even just writing the email triggered me. A lot of the pain I dont know what it is or what it is about. I havent heard back from him yet.

So now I am hurting just by being in contact with him. He hasnt said or done anything wrong. I do not get it at all. Is this normal? Is this what healing is all about? I'm worried T triggers me too much. Is that possible?