I don't think I have ever in my life truly been happy for more than a fleeting moment. I would give anything to know what it feels like to honestly, truly, be happy.

One of the happiest moments in my life was when I gave birth to my little girl - and it was great! Until I couldn't breastfeed her and the postpartum hormones hit me like a train wreck.

Another happy moment was my wedding. He finally said "I do!" But I couldn't truly be happy because I was secretly ashamed of what all my family & friends would think of me when the found out I was pregnant on my wedding day. My family and most of my friends back then were deeply religious (I am not).

In 2007 I lost 75 pounds, got a great job, moved to another state (because I wanted to), and I thought I was really happy. Then I fell into a deep dark depression which resulted in 3 suicide attempts (one almost fatal) and a manic episode in-between where I cheated on my husband and spent over $7,000 on nothing.

But I'm not just Bipolar, I'm Borderline, and my pnurse has been medicating the hell out of me for 3 years while failing to realize that MEDS DO NOTHING FOR BORDERLINE! I finally have a new therapist that does DBT - until she moved here, there wasn't a single therapist trained in DBT in my area. I'm hopeful, but it's going to take forever to get anywhere.

Just a couple weeks ago, I just started on the Wellbutrin and it was starting to really work and man, I felt GOOD! But then I had a bit too much coffee and they asked a few questions and deemed me hypomanic. So more meds. And now I feel like sht again.

Why can't I know what happiness feels like? Am I not worthy?