im feel so completely lost in myself. I dunno what the heck is going on with me anymore. somedays i feel empty others numb some days i cant explain what i feel. I say im ok shuv my mask on hope no one notices hope they dont see me falling apart inside. But I cant hold it together anymore. I see my friends in pain and i know its my fault i hurt them with the way i feel and how i harm. But they dont seem to understand they dont really see how hard it is for me not to od or cut etc. they just see im hurting me and them. They cant hear all the silent cries but i cant really expect them to. I feel so useless worthless like im a waste of their space a waste of their time. I know i shouldnt harm but its so hard not to , at the same time its so hard to see me hurting them.

I have an appt coming up with a psychiatrist i really dont see the point maybe im stupid and dumb but i dont see me being all that bad yes i od regular yes its lethal but its becoming normal to me. I dont even find that thought scary no more its like hurting comes naturally like im made for it.

I get mad at the ones who love me cos they care cos they lecture me thats it wrong what i do i get frustrated at them. I know its not fair on them. I wanna scream at the world i dont care but deep down i care so much it hurts like hell.

im sorry ill stop ranting now