It is really eye opening to go back and read my own threads! This one seemed like so long ago, but it has only been a few weeks. A few sessions back. I am still fighting this anger thing. I went nutty this weekend as I expressed in another thread. Put duct tape over my mouth to keep me from screaming!!

I also went into the garage, found a hammer and some nails, and started pounding them into a wooden bench. When I came back in the house, I asked my family, "Did you hear anything?"

My daughter responded, "Yes, you were out there banging stuff in the garage again." She said it so matter of factly. Like it was just a normal thing for her mother to do! Here lately, it is normal for me to do crazy things. Anything to get this anger out!!!

Why am I fighting it so bad? I wish I knew. I still want to throw that tantrum in my therapist's office. I did tell her to "Shut UP!" the last time I went in. It was a slip up and I apologized. She was okay with it and acted like it didn't bother her, but it bothered me.

Fight or Flight response? I have this every single time I go to therapy. EVERY TIME!!! Why can't I just get to a place that I accept that I am in therapy, I will be here for awhile, it is not for crazy lunatics, and it is normal to have all these mixed up nutty obnoxious feelings going on!

FEELINGS? I hate that word. She keeps wanting me to explore my stupid feelings!! I would like to tell her how I FEEL sometimes!! I FEEL like I am losing my mind, my wits, and my sanity! That is how I FEEL!

Fight or Flight response? I think they are mixed together. I am running and fighting at the same time. I don't know if I am coming or going. I see my therapists door like one of those revolving doors that twirl around. I can't figure out if I am going in or coming out!

Sometimes I think that if you weren't nuts when you started therapy, you will be once you get into it! So why am I still going? Because this nut knows that she needs to and that it will pay off in the end. I just hope that this nut is not peanut butter when she comes out. All smashed up with a bunch of other nuts. I would rather be an peanut M & M. Bright, fun, colorful, and something that everybody loves!

Did this last part make one bit of sense? Peanut butter and M & M's? I think I need more help than I realized!