i met someone new last night.
knowing that my partner has more than 5 parts is challenging. i feel like it is for her at least. it was a big part of her identity when she started getting to know me. it was her and 4 others, and that was all that she knew and had a pretty solid feeling of community -there were 5 of them and that was that. i dont know how she feels exactly, but i can certainly see why getting to know more parts with scary knowledge of the past would be hard. i've known that there are more parts in her for a little while, but it was hard to admit early on since she was so focused on her 5 parts. we've talked about it a little bit. i've told her when i met someone new, but it is difficult to talk about. other than the core 5, the other parts are more complex, different, also deeply hurt. over the course of the last couple years i have gotten to know 2 parts of hers beyond the initial 5 (an introject we don't talk about much, and one that identifies as a symbol) and now another with no name. so 8 parts that i know of and who knows how many more may exist but have not yet communicated with me?... or her therapist. i'm planning to talk to my partner when i get home tonight about meeting the new part. there's so much for her to talk about in therapy these days that i don't think she gets enough time to say it all. plus, her T isn't available for a couple weeks and now my T has broken her foot and won't be able to see me for a couple weeks. tough time to deal with that now. ugh.
******some things could be triggering here, but you can skip to below if you want.******
last night was really hard. my partner had just had a terrible experience going to court to fight a ticket regarding her car accident last month. they treated her terribly (the prosecutor she talked to called her names and swore at her. probably because she looked queer/non-conforming gender presentation). and like much of her past, she is being punished for having been hurt (the accident was the fault of this other crazy driver, but she's being singled out for having caused it). this is really bringing her down... she hasn't been able to get past the fact that no matter what happens, she's out in the world and often gets hurt by others and subsequently punished for it. she feels like she is always punished for existing. she feels that people know she is bad and she should accept that she is a bad person because when she tries to think of herself as a person who matters, she's just let down more and more. so all of this was on her mind last night. she was saying a lot of things about how living is too hard and doesn't feel worth it. living is like torture because she is always being hurt. and this brings me to meeting the new alter.
i was in bed, and she was sitting up in bed facing away from me, talking about these things on her mind. suddenly i heard someone say "bad. she's bad" i've heard this often before when she gets stuck in her head hearing terrible voices (she had said she had heard lots of yelling voices all day yesterday). and then i heard "i could k*** her" ...and that really struck me. i was thinking, "who is this?" i dont know anyone who would say that, especially in such a nonchalant tone...at first i hesitated, whether i wanted to really get involved or go to sleep. but i thought i really should check in, since i didn't know what was up. i asked if i knew this person, and introduced myself (glad i did! this one didn't know me yet). i asked if s/he had a name, but s/he just shook his/her head. makes it a bit difficult to talk about with no name... but it's ok. for the sake of pronouns, i think i might use male pronouns. this part sounded more like my partner's male alters, though i dont know how s/he identifies.
it sounds like he has gone through extreme trauma. i believe he was around to really take in some of the abuse. he said he got yelled at a lot, and had to deal with screaming and being physically hurt. he specifically identified as hard of hearing (my partner is profoundly hard of hearing, partly due to some of the extreme physical abuse/head trauma she's experienced in the past). so i think that not being able to hear may have gotten him in trouble. he would say that he's not supposed to be talking either. but i said it was ok. my partner had already taken her night meds, so the body's sleepiness was kicking in. at that point, he repeatedly asked if a man would or could come into the room at night (like her dad used to do)
this part was very afraid of that, which makes me mad. what terrible suffering! it's not fair. it's not ok.
but i was able to say clearly and definitively that we were safe in my room, and we would me the only ones in the room all night, no matter what. and still he asked again, "not even for punishment?" ...all i can say is that i am so happy to be able to provide a safe place to be and a safe person to be with. this part needs a lot of healing.
*****END of triggering part*****
i care about the whole self, so i was happy to be there for this new part - however self-identified. i was glad to introduce myself, and just listen. let him know that my room is a safe place and he is welcome there.
one of the first things he said was that he had to use the restroom, so i kindly explained to him where it was in my apartment and told him he might meet the kitty (she loves the heated bathroom floor!) and i was happy to see him smiling and giggling when he came back into my room, he said "she really likes me!"
...and she followed him in purring really loudly! it made me happy that he could feel safe there in my home. i also feel so grateful that i could answer his questions and tell him that he is welcome and he matters. it really helps me knowing that i can be there for them - all of them that make up my partner's whole self.
it's a long journey. i believe healing is possible, and i hope that my partner keeps working down that path even though it's hard. i'm trying my best to walk along with her though this. i'll hold her hand, or sit there when she feels like she can't move forward. i hope that this hard time will move past us. it seems like she's hurting so much, but i'm hoping that progress is happening amidst all the turmoil of life these days.