Well guys, I know my session was Monday and I really didn't post an update. It has been a very strange emotion since that session. It is very hard to describe what happened in that session but at the start, T said a certain thing in a way that triggered me. I know my face went hot red and I basically just shut down. But I am HIGHLY skilled at masking my emotions and I tried to just keep going like nothing was wrong. But I kept hearing what I thought he said over and over.

Then I thought about my own post on PC about getting the most out of sessions. Urrrrr. I hate it when I am right!
So I stopped session and told T I needed to back up to the first part of session and go over what I thought I heard. He was glad I did this, and I was VERY nerveouos to do it. But I did. He said he didn't say what I heard. So I am not sure where I got it from, but after the rupture last week, I just didn't believe him. A part of me did, but I just felt myself shut down.

T said he did notice that I changed when we were talking at the start of session, but he didn't stop to check it out. He told me he would pay closer attention to those types of changes.

Then we were talking again about new stuff and my mind started to think about the stuff from the start of session again. I broke eye contact as he was talking and this time he noticed it. Then he stopped in mid sentance and called my name. I JUMPED!!! He asked me what I was thinking about and I told him that he scared it out of me

T looked right in my eyes and said "I loved it out of you."
The sentance didn't even make sense but it did to my heart. And he used the L word!!

Then session was over and as I was walking out, there was some guy in the stairwell area (uggs) where no one could see me and he told me I had a nice coat. My PTSD kicked back in big time!!!!

Suddenly I was mad at my T. I was mad because he used the L word in a safe way. I was mad because he cares. I was mad because he moved to a new office and that guy said hi to me!

IDK. Since Monday, my emotions have been very strange. I am happy about my T and do believe him. But I feel very distant from him for some reason. I don't want to email him (even though he told me I could) ... but there is no reason why I don't want to. I just feel different and don't know why. He is on fall break with his wife and kids, so I want to leave him alone so he can rest. Plus I am not in a bad place.

And then when I wrote in the post about if my T took away hugs that I would never go back, it was strange because I was jeleous and WANTED my t to take the hugs away! I wanted him to hurt me in some way that would make things feel normal again for me. I am crying just typing this out and not sure what the emotion is... not anger... but something very sad. Oh well.

I will see him Monday. I just wanted to share this with you guys.