I had kind of a breakdown at work today. Two months ago I moved to the area, which is 200 miles from my husband's job but at least in a city where there are jobs. I originally took this job because I thought it was going to involve research and working with people, but it turns out they hired me pretty much just to be a programmer. Which means all day, by myself, at a computer, never talking to anyone, nobody asking my opinion or listening to me.

I had gone to grad school to get out of this line of work, because it is so isolating and so frustrating and just extremely bad for my mental health. I told a couple of people that this wasn't what I had in mind, and finally I found a person today who seemed to listen, the company recruiter. Now he's telling me that if I'm patient, they might be able to help me find something else in the company. But it's a small company. Unfortunately, they really need programmers, so I don't think they'll let me out.

I hate programming so much I just want to scream.

So that means I have to find another job. I feel so panicky, so frustrated and incredibly depressed about this. I should have known it was going to turn out this way, there were warning signs at the interview, but I was so glad to just have an interview and then a job offer I ignored them.

Part of the problem is that my last job kind of turned out this way as well. It wasn't exactly the same thing (I hadn't finished grad school yet) but I thought they were going to let me grow at the company, at it turns out they really weren't, and were kind of hostile about my even asking.

I don't know why I keep misjudging these situations. How can I leave a job after 6 months, and then leave the next one after 2 months? I guess the first one wasn't necessarily permanent, but the current one was supposed to be. I have a Ph.D and it's not that easy to find a place, because people think you're overqualified or some kind of stuck up academic, so this is just incredibly depressing.

It must be me that's the problem. Partly I know this is insanely out of proportion, catastrophic thinking. But I can't stand myself, I am so sick of myself and never getting anything right.