I am so confused too.....I am a deeply intense person, beset with deep, intense, passionate, stormy emotions, but I present a calm, controlled exterior, like I have put all the powerful emotion in some stronghold with thick thick walls....to protect me or to protect me from the emotions, I don't know which. I simply know that I have never dealt well, or truly, with my emotions, or felt safe with them, or safe to show them....I can't even cry in therapy, not even when she delivers me the huge blow of taking away all physical contact forever and i want to cry and scream and rage, I can do none of these things, with a physical expression! I can, I guess, write the words of the emotions.....but this is only intellectualizing them, putting them in a place to contain them, a place I think is safer....
My T talked to me once about this fight vs flight thing, and said my inclination is to flee.....unless it is very important to me, then I will fight. My inclination now about therapy and about her is to flee, but because it is important to me, I will stay and fight (as it were ).....