My pdoc referred me to my new(er) T. He did a good job, in spite of several bumps I like the guy and am starting to feel a connection I have never felt in T before. I have been with pdoc for about 5 years, and I really like him as well...he is wicked easy on me. That's the problem. He sees me as very competent and lighthearted. I am a whole different person with him...easy going, calm, relaxed. Because I don't have to say anything, he never asks questions and I'm a non-talker so it's become a "don't ask/don't tell" type of thing. So he has no idea how unstable I am, or have been.

After an overnight section last week I have come to the conclusion that I need more med management. I need an overhaul, and pdoc (since he sees me as stable) will not do it. T has tried to tell him "the real deal" and he still doesn't believe. And I just can't stop the charade, it's become a ritual. I need someone who will be a little tougher on me and work to find the right meds. I need a pdoc that will ask me the right questions and get what's going on.

I don't want to fire current pdoc though. It feels wrong to break this relationship, even if it is based on falsehood. And a newer pdoc may not let me keep my benzo's. I don't use them often, but when I do I REALLY need them. Of course I don't need an rx for every benzo on the market, like I currently have, I just need something for major anxiety in social situations, and sometimes to help fall asleep at night.

Really worried about this. Really worried about having to be honest with a new doc, and really worried about continuing the charade I've been putting on for 5 years.