Akkk....you poor darling heart!....I have done some of this.

While my actions are always either ...withdrawing or directed at the self...and never have been attacking the other...it has been AS destructive to others as that which you have described.

I am just going through your post bit by bit and replying as I go.....

You say..."It never seems to progress."...At some point we must truly do an inventory...asking ourselves...if we are always hitting this wall in our relationship...and the relationship is not evolving or serving to be a "soft place to fall" for either of you...what,then are we accomplishing?

You say....you can be the happiest woman alive one day and The worst thing that has ever happened to my boyfriend the nextThat is very concerning.I have horrific issues in my marriage....and yet I can only be uplifting,encouraging,and as bad as things are even now...I still cook for him...clean for him...and cover him with a blanket when he looks cold...(just for example).

Please be clear...I am not comparing me to you ...saying I am doing better...what I mean to say is this.There are relationships which are bad...but non-volatile.There are relationships where mutual respect has been breached or was never there and lines are crossed....making it so much easier to be in a revolving door of line-crossing.It must be near impossible to erase those lines once drawn.Once verbal and physical volatility has been done and repeated...something is broken.Without two people really looking in the mirror and devoted to counseling...this tends to spiral out of control.

You must also logically view the 'broke up' portion.Sometimes we scream..."I'm done!" and it can arise from a place inside where what we really mean is..."Ugh!!!...nothing I have tried is fixing us...you don't see my side...I am fed up with not being heard...valued...ect...and to emphasize how much I mean this...I am saying I don't want you...but...what I want is for you to run to me...and fix us."

Well that backfires in a really shi**y way.People get tired of wondering if things will always lurk from a place where they are in constant limbo..."am I going to be dumped?"..."How can I trust that I wont be abandoned?" they get to where all they can do is succumb to the fact that a bond is doomed...and the connection breaks.

I know this because I have created this in alot of areas in my life.I am borderline by the way.You may want to investigate borderline personality disorder.

There is something of a mix up here...if you take alot of your statements...written on small bits of paper...ie the following...you will see some discrepancies .
it never seems to progress
I have struggled very much with him
We agreed it would be our last shot
I'd try to be supportive
I would avoid any problem by keeping away
He felt I didn't care
We'd resolve the issue
I can be the happiest woman alive
I can be the worst thing that ever happened to him
I broke up with him because I felt disregarded
Once I feel alone,and he is happy...I feel anxious
I don't feel I can truly forgive him
I love and care about him very much
I miss his company
I have to wonder if you just.....don't want to be alone?

You say ..."I only have my daughter who helps keep me centered"
....but...it isn't her job to do that for her mom..that's a big responsibility for a daughter to bare.If she is all that you have which centers you...then...you need to find what...within you, you can do...think...feel... to create that centeredness within for your self.At some point and in the event of any given day she isn't there to fulfill that in you.

I don't think you should accuse yourself of being unfair for feeling the way you do.But,you can try to highlight what is good....and revel in it.And note what can be improved...that you've the power to change...and take steps.

You say you feel you can't do better by your daughter...I am a mum of all grown sons...3 of them....I think if I had loved me....just loved me....and lived in the moment ...not in the past...or in tomorrow...and lived like only this moment mattered .....It would have made me the best mum I could hope to be.

I am soooo sorry you are crying.I would hug you if I could.Please ....please.....get an outside viewpoint...a therapist.Look on line for an 800 number you can call if you find yourself in this despair....or please keep posting to find yourself supported or to sound off about how you feel....here at p.c

sincere huggggs...

WO.olf