I know that I don't like change. I deal with it though and push my anxious self through it. After 2 years, my T moved locations. Since T has moved I have felt myself hating it, but have fought through it reminding myself of my past with not liking change. I have made small comments to her that I still don't feel comfortable. She knows I don't like change and tries to push me to talk more about it, but I say that is all I got that I just don't feel comfortable. Several sessions ago, after I left I felt that it was something about she now sits in a computer desk chair with a desk behind her. So the desk is not between us. She then has a couch and love seat in the room. I couldn't figure out why it bothered me though so I haven't said anything. I have felt it growing stronger in me during session since then, but am unable to bring it up with her. What am I supposed to do say please don't sit in the chair in your office where it is under your rules. I feel like a child, but it is really disturbing to me. I don't know if it is a power thing or a back to seeing a teacher and I am a child student. I just don't know. So I think of saying something about it to her, but feel if I do in session and she says no big deal and moves to sit on the loveseat where I am sitting on the couch, then it will be like an elephant in the room forever. OR she could say it is up to me to get over it and not move and then that will really fuel my anger for her and I don't know if I can recover from that especially since recently I have felt like she is pushing me away, but that may be this total chair issue.
During today's session, I started sentences to ask her if it would be possible to not sit in her chair, but I can't get the sentence out. After session, I felt like exploding. I called her and told her that I don't know why but this issue is becoming a monster for me. I can't handle her sitting in that chair with the desk behind her. She replied well that is a great thing to talk about in session. And when I asked if she could make sure it is brought up she said no because that is my job. I really needed her to say no problem we can make a change to deal with that or at least she would push me to talk about it. Of all the issues in my life that we are dealing with, I feel it is ridiculous that this is so huge for me, but it is.
Now I want to cancel next week with her because I don't know how she is going to respond to my statement. I didn't specifically get to ask will you not sit there. Now if I walk in and she sits in that chair it will feel like a slap in the face but if she sits on the couch I think there will be an extreme awkwardness also. I feel like with T I can never win and feel that I can just say something without driving myself crazy about it. Every single time I ask for her to do something to help me feel like I would get more out of therapy I totally regret it and don't want to ever face her again. Does anyone else feel like this? Should I just let this chair deal go because she is going to want to talk about it and I have been thinking for weeks on it and can't come up with a whole lot of reasonable discussion about it? Does anyone else have any ideas why this would bother someone?
Her old office she had a loveseat for me and a high back chair for herself. There was a desk across the room with a chair but she never sat at it. It felt so much more comfortable, more informal. I just did so much better with that atmosphere. Does anyone else feel the environment is important to them?
Thanks to all for any ideas for me.