((((((((((((googley)))))))))))))))

Yep. I get it.

From the outside, I can easily say that you are deserving of love. From T, from others, and from yourself. But wow, I can so relate to the feeling of NOT deserving that at all. And it hurts.

Do you think it's self-protective? I think I protect myself with the "I don't deserve love" thoughts. That way, if I'm not loved, it's okay. It hurts less. I told T once that I think that I keep myself in a low level of pain all the time to avoid BIG pain that surprises me out of nowhere.

I am in a "I suck, no one could ever love me" phase right now. I left a message with T last night telling him that the depth of it surprises even me. The only way I can find to get through it right now is by letting it be there, treating myself gently, and believing that someday it will feel different. I am making a really conscious effort to not follow the spiraly path my thoughts want to take me down. It's work, but it feels like a step back towards the light.

Be gentle with you, googley I like you VERY much.