Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

T and I had a summer-long rupture caused mainly by my pulling away emotionally. And it absolutely comes up from time to time still...not as often as it did earlier in therapy, but not "never" either.

The reasons can be so complex. Sometimes I think I pull away to avoid being hurt. Sometimes I think I feel shame about my history and everything T knows about me, and I pull away because of that. Sometimes giving and receiving love is too painful and that's why I pull away. Sometimes, the hurt feels TOO big, knowing that no matter how much T loves me, it will never ever change the past, when I was so unloved, and I pull away.

For me, the only way through it is to talk about it with T. It's frustrating, because I *know* that I am doing it, and I *know* that something will change it eventually, but I don't know what will make it change, and not knowing is hard.

I really, truly believe that it's okay to pull away sometimes. Connection is so new and so scary and sometimes we just need to back up, get perspective, feel safe, gather our resources. I have to do that less and less often, but I still have to do it. For me, learning to be connected is learning a whole new way of being. It's just too tiring and scary sometimes.

It helps to remember that T loves me and cares for me, that he is the SAME T he's always been, that his feelings don't change. Knowing that he is so solid and secure makes me feel safer, and feeling safer makes it easier to talk, and talking eventually leads me back to the connected place.

Be gentle with you, wepow. Therapy is hard, hard work.