|
Thank you sun. I love the picture and the truth of its message.
I went out with a friend for a few hours last night. She took me to bingo. I was particulary sociable so it was actually a lot of fun.
I was in high spirits when I got home and spent some time writting before heading to bed. I had a very restful meditation earlier in the day and the calm carried me though being in a busy environment and carried over into the rest of the night.
I actually fell asleep in my chair while sitting there to capture mindlessness to balance the remaining business in my head. I slept there for hours before I woke up with a stiff neck and crawled into bed.
Thinking about it this morning while laying in bed looking out my window I had the sense that for the first time in a very long time I had been truly authentic last night. It was a wonderful contrast to my more familar angst of judgement and embarrassment I would feel as I obsessively drowned myself in replaying my performance under a dark cloud of self loathing.
None of those negative thoughts were present when I returned home or this morning while I thought about the night out.
So much is changing for me since I began this meditation journey. It scares me a little because like all of us, when things go well there is always that nagging worry just waiting for the penny to drop and for things to crumble. Interestingly that while that worry still has a whispering voice reminding me that I have been here before and no way can it last. The escelation into mania or the crash into depression is always just a trigger away.
For now I am staying present in the balanced place where I am today. I can't predict, even with all the historical evidence, I can not know what tomorrow will bring. My hope is, like it always is that this time, somehow this time will be different and things will stay in balance and I can become an active citizen in my world again.
Its a good day! I hope everyone else is getting at least some form of a respite from the familiar angst that dog at us to greater and lesser degrees day by day.
Blessing to all. Hope skies are clear tonight where ever you are so you can witness the big moon tonight. I will be doing the same believing that somehow the clouds will open to review it in all of its glory.
|