((((((((((All)))))))))))))

Thanks TONS for the awesome feedback! I am still considering everything you all shared. At least I feel like this is normal now :-)

I'm not sure if I feel any need to pull away from T, it feels like it is something that just happened automatically inside. I hoped that would not happen... not with him. But it did. And there is just something that on the inside of me fears getting close to anyone.

I actually visualize my internal self almost like a temple or castle of sorts with tons of traps and doors. Layers and layers to keep the most inner part of me safe. T was on the inside with me where I have never let anyone. Well, not on the very middle part - no one ever made it that far. But he was closer and saw the real me - almost like he was in the center room but I was still surrounded by a water moat and he could come to me or not. No one ever got to that point.

Then after our rupture a few weeks ago, it was like the doors all slammed shut and he was escorted out to the courtyard area outside the castle / temple ... out to where my friends are and co-workers. Now there is no one inside. And I never had anyone get back inside after they were there and got put outside again.

Sorry if this makes no sense at all... it is just how I literally see my emotional self.