I am having such a hard time with this.....sitting here crying & just can't stop. This is on top of an anxiety attack b & nausea that just won't go away even with the valium my pdoc gave me to help me get through this time. I never thought I would have this kind of reaction but I just can't seem to handle the feelings I am having right now. I feel like I am frozen & just can't function. I am finding that my mind is allowing everything that I saw & experienced last year to flood back in.

I was with my Mother about 2 hours before she died, & was holding her hand telling her that it was ok to die. I told her that all the struggling she was doing to try to hang on wasn't what God wanted for her. I told her that the unknown had to be more wonderful than what she was experiencing at the time. There were so many things I tried to say in the time I had left with her. I never thought that I would be the one telling her that it was time for her to die. She always told me that she was ready to die when ever the time came......but guess she was quite wrong when it came to the real thing.

I guess I knew that she was going to die or at least that she would die before I ever got a chance to see her again because my GP was putting me into the hospital to try to get the eating problem under control. I went down to the hospital where my Mother had been is (because that was where my GP practiced also). The next morning, I got a call telling me that my Mother had died just after I had left.

All of the visions that I had while being with her almost 24/7 while the cancer was spreading throughout her body are so vivid in my mind, it is like it is happening again. I had no support from anyone.....no one even said that the cancer was spreading, it was only what I was observing & there was no one there so help me handle the feeling I was going through. I wasn't strong enough to deal with it & when I end up that stressed out, my eating is the first thing that goes away.

I know it is over.....it happened last year, but I am just not making it through this year much better than last.

I just want to curl up under my covers, take enough meds to knock me out so my mind can't think of anything & make it all go away. I just can't handle feeling the way I am feeling. No horses, no dogs, nothing is helping me get through these memories......I just want it to all go away.

The sad part is that I don't even have good memories to look back on that can help either, & I just can't handle it any more.

Debbie