Hello everyone, it's been a while since I visited here but I have been thinking of the boards recently I really hope this is in the right place, it is kind of a mish-mash of several interrelated things.

I am gonna jump straight in with some kind of sex-based rant... I came here about sexuality confusion before, eventually just deciding to forget the whole 'orientation' shebang and just date who I like. Finally, I am happy to identify as bisexual.

Now I'm dating a man, an old friend who I have known for a long time. We get on well together and I enjoy his company. I, however, am quickly getting uncomfortable. I don't think this is a problem with him, me, or the relationship, but with what I think I *should* be doing compared to what I *am* doing.

He dated a mutual friend (I'll call her Y) for a couple of years until they split up last year. About the time that they split up, Y and I became very distant. I think I posted about that too, as it really bothered me. I felt very close to her and am still very unhappy with the way our relationship quickly deteriorated, but I don't think she feels the same way at all. I'm not sure why she stopped speaking to me (even though I tried numerous times to reconnect) but I always kind of assumed that it was because she grew uncomfortable around me after I started openly dating women.

Anyway, now that I am dating my friend, Y's ex, Y and another mutual friend are stirring up some drama. We are not in High School, we are adults. I believe that adults can date whomever they want, but these other friends of ours are abiding by the "don't date exes" rule. They are taking my new relationship as some personal sleight not just towards Y but to all who are on "her side" - even though she hasn't spoken to me for months anyway and we no longer consider each other to be friends at all. I feel like I am being held hostage by her now!. Whatever conversations I have with mutual friends are relayed back to Y, and I am even afraid of going to places where I know she spends a lot of time, in case she is there!

As a result I'm not very affectionate in public with my partner. The most embarrassing thing is that sometimes I think of Y when we are having sex (not in a sexual way, no way, but sometimes these things just come to you) and I am so upset by the way I have been treated by her that it ruins my sex-drive. I find myself crying a lot - everywhere, but the worst place being in the bedroom!! It is very embarrassing, and I'm beginning to associate sex with that embarrassment and shame instead of fun things.

My boyfriend is much more sexually experienced than me and was my first sexual partner. Being long-term friends, he knows everything about me and the confusion I had about my sexuality. I complained to him a lot about it, and we would look out for girls for each other or compare our stories. Likewise I know plenty about his sexual/romantic history. It's nice to enter a relationship without 'secrets'.

Being so massively inexperienced and nervous I have said 'no' to him more times than I care to count! We have fun sex, but I'm not yet very comfortable with giving oral or trying very adventurous things. My boyfriend is patient (though I guess he knows he wouldn't be getting any elsewise ;D) and I am open with him about how I feel. Because I 'receive' so much, and enjoy that, instead of 'giving' I feel like I owe him sex. He said and I know that is not a healthy attitude to have - we should have sex because we enjoy it! But I don't think he necessarily appreciates (or I haven't made it clear) how difficult I am finding our relationship in regard to having a sexual 'identity'. Now that I am with a man, I find a lot of the friends I had made at the LGBT group saying things like I've 'gone straight', a lot of people I came out to assuming it was 'just a phase' when I said I was bisexual - even a girl I dated and liked very much, which is upsetting as I think it hurts her to believe she was just an 'experiment' but we not longer speak very much for me to explain otherwise. I feel like I'm losing a part of my identity just after I had began to embrace it. And I've also lost a big network of friends - Y and friends won't speak with me (at least not without some ulterior motive), the LGBT are weird with me now that I have 'gone straight', and it's quite lonely!

Sorry for the long post, I guess it's just nice to type things out. I'm looking for reassuring words I guess. When I talk with my boyfriend and my friends, the way I word myself (and general apologist attitude xD) means I kind of dismiss the problem myself before I have finished what I want to say. I wish I knew someone who could see through that and indulge in my self-pity for a while!!

Thank you for reading this! : )