What you wrote about T being on the inside but now being outside and not letting him again makes perfect sense to me too. I think your not wanting to see him now is a defense against ambivalent feelings about wanting him to be inside with you and being so afraid of that very same thing.

I sort of feel that with my T too. She was very close to me during the session on my birthday when we made the card. I let her in. But now I'm afraid and I don't know if I can stand to do it again. I don't want to pull away from her. I want the opposite. It's hard.

I also feel like pulling away because I don't know what good it does to feel close to her. I don't know if that's part of what you feel or not. I just don't see the purpose. But that's my stuff and probably should start my own thread about it.

You said it's the first time you don't want to see your T. If I recall correctly, it's not the first time and other times you've said the very same thing. I'm sorry if I'm wrong about this but I don't think I am. In any case, I hope you can talk about it with your T and make some sense out of it with him.