Today was my day with my pdoc. I have been under some extra stress due to the landlord issue. Not quite sure what is going on there, or what will. Have been checking out the ads.

Anyway, within the last two weeks, I had attempted to end my journey (being careful here with phrasing) twice - while my T was on vacation.

It wasn't because of that esp. since we talked almost everyday, the poor man. He happened to catch me one time on the phone slurring my words and sounding very groggy. Needless to say, what should have happened, didn't - just made me extremely sleepy. After that, it was check-in time every day.

A few days ago, my left wrist developed (?) some cuts as did the palm of my hand. Yesterday I had believed that they were all infected as the area was very hot to the touch, painful, red, and leaking clear fluid. I called my pdoc's office, and he wasn't there. His nurse, whom I know quite well by now, wanted me to go to urgent care to make sure - I refused.

Anyway, I went today and thankfully the marks are not infected. I also had him check out my right hand, little finger, which got slammed with a wrench recently right on the knuckle - the one in the middle of the finger. It bruised and got a little swollen, but since I could still move it, I figured it wasn't broken; however, the joint still is causing me a great deal of pain. You all know how it got hurt, I'm sure I don't need to spell it out.

Anyway, my pdoc took an xray of it, and again, thankfully no fractures at all. He told me that the capsule around the joint was injured and that wouldn't show up on the xrays but would heal in time. I am lucky enough to have a good rapport with my pdoc as well, not as much one-on-one as with my T but still good............so, I figured I would finally tell someone about the bruises on my legs, mostly the right one.

He was, ummmm, upset when he saw all of them. He checked out my breathing and my ears......I couldn't understand why the extra attention today, but I know that I am paranoid most of the time. He asked me when I see my T again, which is tomorrow morning, and then told me that they both care about me. Something still feels like there are undercurrents here, but I don't know what yet.

My T had sent him an email regarding my unsuccessful attempts. Hence my meds are slightly regulated now in terms of how many in a prescription.

Then while I am there, which took longer because of the xrays, my husband calls and says, "where the ***** are you. Your appt. was at 1pm. What the h*ll are you doing?" [sigh]
I explained what was happening, reminded him of the wrench incident (oh, yeah.......he says...grrrrrrrrr) and said that I would call when leaving.

Add all that to my back pain, extensive hours at work, and juggling housing problems now and his mood swings.......and I'm ready to explode. I had called my T yesterday about possibly looking at my hand to see about infection and he couldn't because he can't practice medicine.

I'm going to build myself an insulated hole in the ground, sound proof it, and go in there and scream till I'm hoarse. Then my pdoc asks me why I would try such a thing, and twice (my unsucessful attempts). I looked at him and said, "what do you mean, why???" After seeing the bruises he said, "every day is an adventure for you, isn't it?". I said yep, really makes getting up in the morning worthwhile.

Now in the morning I see my T, who will of course want to see my hand. It's all so pointless, really.

We went to McDonalds tonight and my husband had a cassette in playing songs that we used to dance to when we were first dating. It tossed me back to then, 9 years ago when I was so much different. My g*d, what has become of my life, of me???? Everything is so incredibly different - it even looks foreign.

Time to go find my shovel.........

Mary Alice