WARNING.... more senseless venting.

I just got a call back from mental health about my scheduling conflict. I had called to see if somehow they could switch my morning appointment on Thursday to the afternoon. My ex is coming to visit with a sister who is not expected to live much longer. He emailed me this morning that his flight comes in Thursday morning. At rush hour no less. I feel the anxiety alreay. As i mentioned I fussed over what to do until I finally come up with the thought that maybe I could switch times with someone for a later appointment.

No such luck. She offered me an apointment for late next month but as luck would have it I will be travelling home that day from delivering a workshop. Why is it that the only 2 days I have something schedule on an otherwise totally empty schedule luck would have it there is a conflict. So now my pdoc appointment, the one I was anxious to have as a 2nd opinion on my dx and before I made any changes to the drug therapy, and now I am waiting until the end of May.

My voice was already starting to quiver while tears began to pour down my cheeks at the news so I quickly ended the conversation. I am too upset to be unloading this here but my laptop was open and my journal is on the other side of the room. I needed to at least reduce the internalizing.

I wish that stupid hammering would just stop already!!! And now my son is gaming with high volume. I don't dare ask him to turn it down. I can't risk what venum might escape my lips if I dared open my mouth or left the room to slam more doors.

Can't go outside to the hammer, can't stay inside with the noise.

Okay.... deep breath.... time to separate from this insanity I feel. Not sure how so maybe my brain will find a way to take me somewhere else for a while.

It is interesting how when I need self care the most I refuse to give it to myself. I seem to prefer to punish and hate myself instead. I feel like I have no right to care for myself when I have brought this onto myself by making mountains out of molehills. Other people cope with so much bigger things (recovering scads of lost data for example.... working every day....) and me I crumble under the least bit of pressure. Okay enough of this babbling. I will recover.... again.