I need some advice.

My t has been taking alot of time off in recent months, and I'm really struggling with having to skip so many of my sessions. I have separation and loss issues from childhood, as well as attachment problems, so it has always been a challenge for me when my t has gone out of town and I can't see her for awhile. I've gotten really good over time about missing one session (a 2-week span). I don't like it, i feel a very painful void (which i am sure has more to do with the past then the present), and it really hurts! But what i usually do is just keep really busy and try not to think about it and hope the week goes by fast. If i only have to miss a session occasionally, this works well for me.

But since December, I've had to miss alot of sessions. My t took 2 weeks off in December, 1 week in January, then i missed another week because of being sick. She's out again this week, and she'll be gone 1 week in May and 2 weeks in July. I understand her need for vacation time, and she has other things going on in her personal life. But missing sessions this often is getting too difficult for me. I don't feel like our connection is as strong anymore. And the repeated separation triggers that i get when she leaves, which relate to my separation pain with my mom, are painful and feel lke something that i have to deal with all the time now.

I've told my t several times in email how hard it is for me when she goes out of town and we have to miss sessions. And she usually responds with something like, "Put the child parts into a safe place and let them know we will get to their concerns later," or "Be mindful and use your coping skills." This week, she is out of the office but not out of town, and she said she would pick up her messages. So I told her again the difficulty I'm having with the missed sessions. I told her that it feels like I am "losing her in little pieces." She responded by saying, "I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I know you are working hard. I hope you will use your mindfulness of present moment and you notice yourself worrying about the future."

But I don't feel like she understands! I'm not worrying about the future (termination), though I often have worried about it. I'm trying to tell her how I feel now, in the present moment, when i have to miss my session. Little by little, i'm feeling less and less support from her, and it hurts!! I've come to depend on our weekly sessions to help me cope, and when i don't have that, i feel a very real void. I can deal with it occasionally, but it's starting to feel like all the time.

I think I'm looking for reassurance from her that even though we're missing our session, our connection is still intact and she still thinks about me and cares. But instead, i get reminded of my coping skills or told how my thinking is off base. I appreciate the advice, because it's usually always well founded. But I'm not getting the reassurance that we're still connected, and that these breaks are not breaking down the connection. I guess in a way, i need to be reminded that she's here with me even when she isn't physically here. I guess i'm needing compassion and connection, but i'm getting counsel and coaching. I know I need all of that, but right now, i really feel like it's the compassion and connection I'm needing. But i don't feel like she gets it.

In the past, whenever i felt misunderstood or hurt, i would withdraw from my t and disconnect emotionally. I would just get very businesslike, and hide behind a mask, and deny that there was a problem. It took me a very long time to learn to stay with the connection, and talk about the problem or the hurt, until it got resolved. Now, when i feel misunderstood or hurt, i try not to disconnect from her emotionally, but keep the connection and talk it through. But it's not working this time. I don't feel like she is hearing me when i tell her that i'm really struggling with these missed sessions. I'm having a really rough time trying to get used to having less support and connection. And i feel like she doesn't acknowledge it. If i put it in an email, she usually doesn't respond to that part of my email. And even though i've said several times how hard this is for me in my emails to her, she never brings it up when we're in session or talks to me about how I/we can make it easier for me when i have to miss a session.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring it up face to face with her in session because I already feel really lame that I've let her know how attached i am and how hard all this is for me. I need some kind of pride left. I don't want to beg for her attention/care/help.