Maggyjo,

Yes, I have considered changing t's actually. But i keep feeling that the problem must be "ME." It's true that my t didn't have the specialized training she needed when she took me on. (She didn't realize how many issues i had until we got into the deeper work, and i was already attached.) But she's taken alot of training and read books to help me. And i know she does care about me. She's normally good about validating my feelings, and she always lets me talk about whatever feelings i have on my sessions. But with this issue of missed sessions, it just feels like she doesn't want to hear it.

She hasn't once acknowledged that the disruption in the schedule must be hard for me, and asked how she could help. She does say, "I'm sorry it's hard for you" or "I'm sorry you feel so bad." But no admitting that she has anything to do with my feelings of loss. It's always about the past, my relationship with my mom, etc. etc. It's like she thinks every thought and emotion and reaction i have are in response to the past and relate to my mom, and i am just mis-assigning it to her.

I've known for a year now that she's thinking of retiring, and I can't help but feel that lately, she just isn't committed to her job (or to my healing) the way she used to be. I've told her this, and she claims it's not true. She says she is still in this with me the same way she has always been.

I get confused at times because there are times when i pull away emotionally somewhat, and she lets me know that it's OK to want to attach with her. But when i talk about feeling attached or needing her or our relationship, she tends to glide over those comments and only respond to other aspects of my messages.

There are weeks i leave the session with a new big insight or feeling really hopeful. But there are other times, like now, that i just feel confused and tired of trying.