I have a bad habit I need some advice on breaking. I guess the difficulty comes in a two fold presentation. I have come here to step outside of my self and my peer group to see what kind of different approaches there are to look at things from. That is where you come in. I have Gender Identity Dysphoria. My diagnosis suggests that I transform my external self to match the real me inside. There is nothing more in the world that I would rater do than feel like a whole person 24/7 but I am unable to change physically to match the interior and am stuck in a cycle of never feeling real. I emotionally disguise my self from the outside world creating a personality image to represent the physical form that I am stuck with. The hard thing here is that I always feel as if I am transparent when I am in a weak mood. Not to mention the hit I take between my ears, as am a very honest person that lives a lie, that is a hard pill to swallow on a daily basis. I tried switching my gender presentation in my private life but the constant switching back and forth beat up my emotions pretty good and I am reluctant to start that cycle over again. (plus mirrors are not very kind no matter how good you feel on the inside) The saying, "be honest to yourself" does not feel very tangible to me and it hurts. I have been green lighted to start hormone therapy. I am unable to do this responsively however for many reasons and it would probably create more stress for myself and my family by not going about things the right way. That is the back drop to my bad habit.
Here is where I need help…To deal with my everyday life not creeping up on me I have practiced a model that I have employed from an early age, ‘avoid being your self.’ or (Avoidance behavior) After making so much head way in finally understanding myself after many years. This coping tool doesn’t work anymore and I feel horrible. I can no longer seem to get away from my self long enough any more. Before I would fill my time with a hobbies reading T.V. video games cleaning the house you name it, anything to not have personal thinking time. The dilemma here is that I know this is a very bad way to deal with something yet I have never had any other tools to use. I need suggestions on how to avoid, avoiding myself but still be able to find peace in those times. I know I could use therapy but unfortunately like many of us here I am unable to afford it. I realize the correct answer is be happy with who you are and be your self, unfortunately in my case that can be dangerous. I feel if I do not learn to cope well with this more problems will follow. Any suggestions would be welcome. I know this is a tough one but I have come here like many of you to learn as well as help others. Please give it some thought I could use a hand.

Yours truly,
Ambiguous

(I chose my name for the forum here, in a moment of mental weakness. I do Know who and what I am and what parts I posses, and most of the time and I am very proud of who I am.)
Those who understand the physical ramifications of Gender Identity Dysphoria realize that my brain development was genetically female, my body development was genetically male, and that the hormone flux inside my mothers womb that caused all of this confusion was beyond my control.

My friends call me Rachael