I have realized that I have been going down hill for over a month now. I know the reason is that my Mother died exactly 1 year ago & for some reason, I just don't feel strong enough to get through this time by myself. For some reason, even my horses aren't able to calm me down enough.

I feel so stupid because by now, I should know all the relaxation techniques, along with all the "buzz" words that are supposed to get me into the place where I can get back into control. I hate the feeling of being so out of control. I wish I could just put on a blindfold & that could blank out all those visions that just won't go away.

I feel much better in the medical part of the hospital, but being that my pdoc is the one that is direct admitting me, I don't have any other options. I haven't been in a psych part of any hospital for over 7 years & know that the fear of going back to that environment isn't doing anything for me either.

I have no idea how long I will be there, & don't think I can smuggle my laptop in even though I have several letters I need to put together regarding my Mother. I got a letter late last year from her high school reunion group & feel that I owe them a letter of explaination that will let them know all that. I also have a letter to send to my good friend that is living in Jackson Hole Wyo. I haven't seen him for several years & he has been one of my best friends.

For some reason, I have a fear of being in any psych hospital & just can't get that fear out of my head even if I know it is the best thing.

I am feeling so horrible that even the hospital is sounding like