I have lost count of all the hospitalizations that I had between 1994 & 2002. Some just to see what help they could be for me, some because of actual suicide attempts, others because of feeling that way but not acting on the feelings....but landing in the safe place.

All my hospitalizations were in California & ranged from UCLA's psych hospital (before it was renovated after the 1994 earthquake) trying to dx what was going on with me...oh no, couldn't just be depression after loosing my career. Several times, it was a local private mental hospital that my pdoc practiced at....was there several times month at a time. I have to say that environment was the best of all. It could have been the length of time I was there, but it did feel comfortable & the group activities were helpful....including the ropes course they had.....but it didn't fix my problem....just got me through some bad times at that....but the people I was in there with had a close caring feeling that kept going after we left but stayed in outpatient treatment. It was attached to one of the community hospitals, but think it was a private mental health hospital. Unfortunately, it closed down several years after I started using it.

My insurance when I first started having problems before I got onto disability medicare, was really bad because it required me to only go to certain hospitals.....the one they forced me to go to was 100 miles away from my home & of course, that required an ambulance ride. I wasn't in a good place before I ended up there out of the medical hospital they stabilized me in, away from my own pdoc......so I wasn't in a good place when I was there either...lots of anger. Unfortunately, I ended up there a couple of times. The only one thing I really remember there was the animal therapy they had.

Finally ended that situation when medicare kicked in, & kept ending up in our local hospital. It wasn't good, but they did try their best to help. It was better being local & having my own pdoc that I knew & that understood me better than some jerk who thought they knew everything & were way off base trying to force me to take something that JUST WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

I had some difficult years during that time & I really feel more sorry for the hospital.....as one situation caused them to have to rethink their procedures.....but I landed in ICU in a coma on a breathing machine.

A few years later, I ended up having to change pdocs......ended up going to a different hospital but while there found out about another private mental hospital that was supposedly very good. My first visit there, I was given a pdoc.....we didn't hit it off well at all to start with. They suggested that before requesting a change that I sit down & talk with him.....turned out to be the best pdoc I ever could have had (go figure). He was in tune with people who had horrible side effects to meds. He did research on alternate treatments & was all around just the perfect pdoc I could have had....kept him until I finally left my husband & moved across the country in 2007. He also had a nice psychologist that worked in his office....& one of the hospitalizations that was dealing with abuse issues with my husband was when the psychologist was called in for me & my husband to talk to. He became my psychologist for all the rest of my years in California also. Looking back, he wasn't the best as he just listened & very seldom provided any feedback.

I had not been in the hospital for at least 5 years when I ended up going through a trauma.....scary part was that I was talking to my pdoc & psychologist the whole time I was going through the trauma. I didn't know exactly WHAT was going on, but was constantly expressing what I was going through in calls to them.....they brushed if off in that with the extreme weight loss I was going through I wasn't seeing things clearly......grrrrrr......turned out it was necessary to get AdultPS & the police involved & no, it wasn't that I was "not seeing things clearly". It was scary to live through but they weren't tying the extreme weight loss with the trauma because I had in my past been treated for anorexia. I was so traumatized by the whole thing & needed somewhere I could be taken care of for awhile. My pdoc could only admit me to a psych hospital....I walked in & out before ever checking in.....I just couldn't go into a jail like feeling at that point where I had no freedom to come & go as I needed with my mother dying of cancer. Turned out my medical Dr finally admitted me to the medical hospital but called in a pdoc & psychologist to see me every day. That also was a nightmare, but my whole life was a nightmare at the time.....at least I was somewhere I got care & could rest away from all the horrible things that had been going on. Had some problems in that it was the same hospital that my mother had been in & I freaked out a couple of times & ended up sleeping in the lobby on a sofa before they found me.

All in all, none of the hospitalizations have been horrible....I understand that cot in the middle of the room that I ended up on a few times.....but most of the people caring for us were very compassionate in every hospital I have been in. The groups were good even when I wasn't able to participate. The traumatic feeling of being far from home was a bit scary many times & I hated the feeling of NOT being able to leave any time I felt like I wanted to go....but the medical hospitals aren't that different. When being treated for asthma from a forest fire smoke, I ended up in the hospital 10 days because of a side effect to a med. One of the last times in the hospital, my Dr allowed me to go AMA because my weight was so low, the pdoc charted that if I refused to agree to a feeding tube, he would put me on a hold....but I needed to leave for my mothers funeral.....so my medical Dr looked the other way & didn't say anything to the pdoc about my leaving.....I was gone before the pdoc could put the hold on me.

There are so many things involved in being in the hospital.....I found that the times when I accepted that I was in need of help & was there really because I wanted to be there & knew I needed to be there went much better than the times I was FORCED to be there.....it's definitely a complicated situation, but most have been very caring people in the hospitals that I have encountered even when I wasn't feeling very cooperative.