Not feeling well today at all. I hardly know how to cope with anything anymore. I’m starting to give up. On life. On everything. It’s amazing how I have bursted at the seams. One thing after another, maybe it happened like a domino chain…I just stopped caring. And now here I am. I feel like an almost failure. I will be a failure if I fail to get this job transfer. Then I will be doomed.

I’m looking forward to going to a group tomorrow night called Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional families. It will be my second time going to one of those meetings. I’m thinking of buying the workbook that they are using. It’s $10. I’ve also gone to a couple of Codependents Anonymous meetings. It’s like I’m looking forward to these meetings every week. I almost feeling like I’m living to go to them…even though I have no proof that they will help me. It’s my last resort.

I’m starting to get really annoyed with my mom. I haven’t even really talked to her much lately, but when we do talk…I feel like she doesn’t have unconditional love for me. I feel like she blames me for what my life is. I feel that she doesn’t understand what I’m going through and feeling…even though I told her once that I had been having suicidal thoughts. I’m starting to realize how f-d up my family is, the more that I think about it. Why can’t they deal with my emotions? Am I not allowed to feel? Or do they really have a “fix” for me…and is it really all my fault for being depressed?

One of the slogan characteristics of dysfunctional families is the beliefs: Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel. My family seems to qualify for this, as much as I hate to admit to it.

I think about death more and more. Not that I want to kill myself. But I am thinking about it.