Hi Sakura-Li,

What a difficult thing to grow up with. My heart goes out to your friend. Yes, this sounds like an illness. It sounds like her mother was there in some ways, but not be there in other major ways. It is impossible to change another person. If her mom doesn't want help, there is little that can be done. (Unless the situation is so dire that she mentions clear direct harm to herself or others). There is the notion of "detaching with love," that comes from the 12-step program ACoA - Adult Children of Alcoholics. (It's not that I'm jumping to any conclusions about her mom as a substance abuser, but rather that many ideas in this group also apply when children grow up with a parent who suffers from mental illness). I mention it because what this type of program might offer (to your friend) is the notion that although her mom continues to suffer, she can instead work on healing from the pain, sadness and shame of the past as well as constant worry about her mom today. Seeking help from a therapist can help in this way too.

http://www.drjan.com/13char.html