Symbiosis,

YES!! YES!! I don't want my t to assume that every strong feeling I have is an over-reaction/transference feeling related to my past! In many cases, it is, but not always!

Lately, my t has gotten into the mode of saying things like, "I know your'e upset, but it has nothing to do with me or what i'm doing. It's "old stuff.") It's not that she never takes responsibility for misunderstandings or hurt feelings on my part, but it seems like "old stuff" is her first reaction/response, unless i dispute it with her and point out that her words/actions (or lack thereof) have also contributed to my feeling hurt.

I've sent her one last email this morning. I said:

R,

On Wednesday, can we talk about the separation pain I get when I don’t have my sessions? I’m really struggling with it, and I would like it to be easier. I seem to need more emails lately, and I think it’s because I’ve been missing some sessions. I’m trying to hang onto our connection. I need the feeling that you are still here with me, even when we are not together as often.

I know that multiple emails are distasteful to you, and I feel bad about it. But i need some help with our connection lately. So can we please talk about this on my session? I don’t want to make you mad with my emailing. Is there another way you could work with me so I can keep feeling connected with you during these breaks?

The less frequent sessions is/has been a real test for me! I’m needing reassurance from you about our relationship, not just coping skills. I’m pretty sure I’ve been clear in letting you know this in my messages. But it feels like you’re choosing not to respond to my feelings about our relationship. I want to understand why.

Our communication has always been so good. But it feels like we’re not on the same page right now.

If you pick up this message while you’re out of the office, you don’t have to answer. I just keep needing to tell you how I feel. . . disconnected I guess.

I’ve been thinking how good our session was a couple of weeks ago, and that helps. I’ve been holding it together and D. says I’m making progress. But the more often I miss sessions, the more I am struggling with hanging onto our connection.

I know I have to get used to missing sessions, because one day I won’t have any sessions. But I can’t shake the feeling inside that our relationship is suffering because of it. I appreciate that you responded to my earlier email. But because I didn’t hear from you the sort of reassurance about our relationship that I needed to hear, it adds to my feeling that we’re losing what we have.

I hope we can talk about this soon.

T

She hasn't replied. If she replies at all before our next session, it will be next Monday when she comes back to the office. But I'm kind of expecting to have to wait until my session Wednesday.

There was one other time a few months ago when i felt like she was dismissing what i said about our relationship and distancing from me. At first, she denied that she was doing that. But later, she said something like "I realize i may have been doing that. I suppose that, like you, i don't like the feeling of being vulnerable either."

What do you think that means? Does it sound like she's trying to hold me at a distance so she doesn't care too much?