TRIGGER IS FOR TALKING ABOUT DEATH AND WORRY ABOUT T DYING


Suddenly tonight I thought about my T's vacation the week after next. I didn't ask where she's going yet but even if it's not out of the country, I'm already getting those panicky, immobilizing feelings. I emailed her about it and asked if we could talk about it next week. She replied that we should definitely do EMDR about it, and she knows how her going away triggers me.

It's not like when others miss their T when they go on vacation. I am almost in a state of grief because I worry that she's going to die. I also think that way when anyone in my family goes away too. I feel beyond sadness and anxiety. It's almost like if I prepare for it and it happens, I'll be ready. It's irrational, but not really because death can happen anytime. In my email I wrote that if she dies, I'd cry and cry forever and nobody but people on PC would understand.

So, my T has worked with people on death and grieving issues and led groups on the subject. I'm still in the middle of talking about my mother but my T said it's okay to go with whatever issue seems most pressing each week, so we jump around a lot. Since this came up because she's going away, we're going to deal with it now.

I really do get immobilized and depressed when I think about my T's trip. I was miserable when she went out of the country the last time. It's not so much missing her as thinking "what if she doesn't come back?" I don't know where in my childhood this comes from. I'm sure it has to do with my mother but it's more about the reality of life and death than anything else. I don't want people close to me to die. But who does? I think about it when they go on trips more than any other time.

Sorry for being so morbid. I hope the trigger helps those who can't tolerate this subject to stay away.