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peaches100 · Mar 25, 2011, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Peaches, I wonder if your T is responding to emails the way mine does now. She told me she was only going to email me once each week, and it would be brief. She usually responds to something positive that I wrote, or says something positive. She doesn't usually reply to my feelings about her or our relationship. She says she can't do therapy via email.

I think that your T is trying to reinforce your coping skills, and is doing it deliberately but I think she should be more direct and tell you this is what she's doing. She feels it's in your best interests not to respond to every concern you have about your relationship. It's also true that she probably doesn't have time to do that, and that it's always better to discuss your relationship face to face.

I don't think she has "decided that you're too attached" and is now punishing you, as it seems to me that's what you think. She's doing it out of concern for you, as a way of weaning you away from the attachment to her. I wouldn't call it "ignoring your feelings" about it but rather she is focusing on how you can cope when she's not there. She's always available and willing to discuss your feelings about her when you're in session, isn't she? I think she wants to be there for you but help you to become independent by focusing on the positive. She's not trying to hurt you!

But....I know how hurt I was when my T didn't comment in the email about my feelings for her. I really felt she didn't care about me. We had to talk about it and compromise about how I could still email her and get a response that satisfied me. I think you need to have an honest discussion about what your T is trying to do with the emails to you. I don't believe she is "just busy" but that she's doing what she thinks is best for you. I know how hard this is for you, but you and your T have an excellent relationship and I know you can work this out.

Hi Rainbow,

You know me really well, so anything you say i should think seriously about. I think you're right, that my t is trying to discourage so much email communication. i do email too much -- sometimes 2 or 3 times per week. In the past, we've talked about setting a limit at 1 per week, which i could never seem to stick to. But maybe the problem is that i just need to exercise better self-control when i get the urge to email. sometimes, if i can get past that urgent feeling that i need to resolve an issue or get a question answered NOW -- if i can move through that mindset, then i settle down and realize i can wait until later to talk to my t. But getting myself through that stage, when something has triggered me, is difficult for me. If i don't email t to resolve a misunderstanding, then i often will ruminate about it all week until i see her and can talk about it. and that is torture!

You are right also that my t is busy. She told me a few months ago that she's busier at work than usual, and her new supervisor expects more documentation, etc. So i think, at times, even though she cares about me, my emails are inconvenient. And if they seem repetitive, then at times, she probably gives in to the temptation to just shoot me off a canned reply, at least so I know she got my message. It does hurt my feelings. But i can kind of see why it happens sometimes.

As far as weaning me away from the attachment with her, and the focus on coping skills. . .there may be some truth to that as well. She told me recently that we are in the "middle" stage of therapy. I'm pretty sure a part of that involves facing my pain and grieving for lost opportunities in childhood, connected with my relationship with my parents. My t may want to act nurturingly at times with me, but she probably doesn't want it to become a replacement for facing my pain and loss. That's my guess anyway. But it's very hard trying to face all this attachment, separation, and loss stuff!! They are my issues from my childhood with my parents, and they have become the same issues with my t.

It hurts to know i have a part of me that is this needy and clingy and scared! I don't want to face it. I hate the scary feelings and emotions that that part of me carries. I think i get mad at my t because when she takes time off, it sparks my separation fears. It makes all those scary awful feelings come up that i also used to feel with my mom when she went away on business trips. I get mad at my t because it feels like she caused it -- but she's only the reminder of it.

I'm going to really try from now on to limit my email to my t. Maybe i have progressed far enough now that with hard work, i can keep to the 1-email-per-week limit. I would sooooooo much rather limit myself, rather than have t put a limit on me. That would feel bad to me.