Melinda,

Recently I went from considering sex to be just a fun thing to do, to being more about love. My ex-girlfriend had quite often said that she feels sex is about love and feeling connected, and I acknowledged it, but I never felt like I understood what she meant. Meanwhile sex was kind of scary for me in that I had issues about wanting to do it "right" -- e.g. I'd be afraid I wouldn't be able to stay aroused all the time, and that I'd not be able to finish, etc.

But recently I was thinking things over, and it occurred to me that sex could be a really good way to show love. Let me paste you an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my ex-girlfriend recently (before we broke up):

"I feel like I understand the whole sex thing better now. I feel like it can be a really good way to establish and reinforce this strong, trusting friendship. It can be a place where we're both totally dedicated to making each other happy, and we're not thinking or worrying about anything else. It's a place to remember what we feel for each other -- it's a place to retreat to. And it should be a place where our trust and care for each other is obvious and felt strongly. And if you feel that way, then having me violate that would undermine everything. So I no longer miss sex as simply a "fun" thing. I understand what it means when it's no longer there. It hurts."