Sometimes I wish it would just kill me now. I'm so tired of being consumed by the ED. In any normal persons eyes I would have all the solutions in my life you could need, supportive family and friends, a therapist specializing in EDs, a dietician specializing in EDs, but for some reason I'm not getting well. I know its ultimately me who has to do the work, who has to start changing, but I never do. Today I realized my ED has been by my side, supporting me, longer than anyone. Sure my familys been there, but my ED has truly stood by and helped me through a lot. Now its killing me. Now it makes me feel like killing myself. I'm so tired of fighting. I've been trying to recover since 2007. I've taken breaks before, but I feel if I did that now id end up dead. I hate myself, I hate my ED, but I am so afraid of living without it. I don't even know who I am because I've been so consumed by it. I should have the perfect life, but in my eyes, nothing is ever good enough, ever. Ill never recover until I accept things as imperfect, accept my best efforts and stop expecting perfection. I don't know how to do that, so for now its a fight just to survive each day.