WARNING: May contain triggers? I'm not really sure.

Oh and, and in case anyone is wondering: Yes, I am female.

I'm fairly new to psychcentral, but my love for psychology and helping others has been with me for a long time. The reason why is because I was born early and as a result have many health problems. I spend a fair amount of time thinking of ways to cure my own problems and then use what I know about myself to try to help others.

The reason I found this ED forum is not because I have an ED. It's actually quite the opposite. I am one of those rare people who has been naturally underweight all their life. I was born an entire trimester premature and was able to fit in my mother's hand. I barely survived birth and it is a miracle I am alive to this very day. Presently, I am 19 years old, and I am rather tall but also naturally thin. I can't help it. I can eat and eat and eat but gaining weight is very hard for me. This is because my traumatic birth led to a number of health problems in my present life. One of them relates to my metabolism. It is too high. Every day I feel drained, unable to perform mundane tasks like homework and grocery shopping, all because my body is constantly working overtime.

I have one thing to say about being underweight - From my own experience, it really, really, sucks. I have to limit myself to a very small number of activities per day since if I do too many things, by body will break down from fatigue. When it is hot out, I feel faint. When it is cold I freeze. My body is always high-strung and tense. My heart works overtime. I sometimes get dizzy for no reason and have to find a place to sit down so I don't pass out.

I don't know why anyone would want to have the many problems that come with a body like mine. I have to eat a lot of food to maintain my weight. I have to eat even when I'm not hungry. I know that if I don't eat enough during the day, I'll wake up the next day in a lot of pain, and my muscles will atrophy. A day spent trying to make myself stronger will be ruined all due to not getting enough to eat. It's very, very hard on me. It's irritating and frustrating. But when I gain weight I do feel much better.
When I can maintain a healthy weight I see a great improvement in the amount of activities I can do in a day. It is this small difference in weight that will cause me to have a wonderful day, or to succumb to physical illness.

By the way, for those of you who have EDs because you feel being underweight makes you more attractive - I actually think I look much worse when I am underweight. I was harrassed throughout my entire childhood because my classmates told me I was so skinny that I looked like an alien.

Unfortunately we now live in a society that has a warped view of what is and what is not good for us. It concerns just about everything. And for some reason we are led to believe that Victoria's Secret models are "curvy." Really? Really? I once walked past a semi-famous person who was very thin - same height as me but maybe even a bit thinner. And was I jealous of her? No. Not at all. In fact I felt bad for her. It made me wonder how she had any energy at all to live her life. There is a chance she may be naturally skinny just like me - and if she is, I bet she suffers many of the same problems. Being constantly tired and having heart and breathing problems top my list.

I hope this gives everyone some insight on what it's like to be me. None of you should aspire to be this way. I am like this because I was born with health problems. Nobody wants this.

Thanks for listening and I wish you all the best.