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Mar 26, 2011, 08:49 AM
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Member Since: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,567
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as i was looking over a bill from my psyciatrist i noticed some writing and a 'diagnostic code' "oh well i know what that means" so i go and google it to find out. well the only thing is she said we don't put names to anything and that's the way i like it...i don't want my brain wrapping around the idea that i am labled then i start to be even more whatever it is.
MDD......excuse me! through all these sessions am i really that delusional that i don't think that this is the case, maybe because of my addictions i may get depressed sometimes, and i know i haven't been excersising as much so i don't get my extra boost of endorphins...i just don't see it.
I hate not being aware of who i am, i feel like i am losing all control, which is funny because i used to feel out of control. ''
maybe i should read over all my past writings and see if i get the hint of very depressed person from it.
Sometimes i want to fix everything, and others i just want to walk up to the cliff and dive off head first. Taking the usual easy route (the cliff most used) 
i knoe my 'disease' how cunning and twisted, stubborn, and relentlessness. the statistics that stay clean always starring me in the face. always thinking what's right and what's wrong. And for so many years still living like an addict even after i got clean.
It's been such a struggle trying so hard to live the normal everyday thingsyour supposed to learn as a child, but i haven't fully gave up.
at least i have someone to be accountable to, and i don't even know how long that's going to last, i need to start learning to be accountable to my own self, trusting yourself is such a scary thing
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