Sometimes I suddenly forget what I was doing or thinking, and I need to ask others what I was actually doing. I know that things go better if I write down what I am doing, so if I suddenly forget, I can refresh. Also, after some time, I remember what happened, but not what I was thinking. Sometimes, I can remember just one thing, like a "string" of thought, which I can use to try to "pull the whole thing back".
Now the thing is, that I'm sure this ain't just a memory problem because I have written a couple of times that I don't have anything, and I think I believed it, but then sometimes, I say, "Damn! I need to tell someone about this 'reset' thing", and then, nothing. Right now I remember that it has happened a couple of times, but if I read what I have written before, it seems as if when I forget about these thoughts, I seem to try to fill the gaps, and I remember telling my school counselor that I have been telling lies to all my teachers as excuses to turn in work later. But when I think about it, Everything I've told them are true, but sometimes exaggerated, reasons. Most likely this post will look as me just rambling, and maybe have no coherence, at least from a sentence from another, as the "resetting" thing happens the most when I try to form a clear picture of the situation. To be honest, it happened twice, no thrice, when writing this post. (last one when writing about the school project)
Only today I have actually written about "this side" of things, when I know what is happening. I say this because I have seen no notes or anything hinting this side of things.
From what I have in mind now, the post I wrote in the introductions say that I don't know what I have, and that I am going to talk with a psychiatrist. Right now i am more sure that this is more serious than I thought, because it seems more as if nothing is happening when I remember what I wrote previously. The reason I try to explain this in detail is that I am really not sure if this fits in this disorder section.
To add to everything else, whenever I know that someone is going to be disappointed in me, I overreact impulsively. According to my school counselor, I had a panic attack when I remembered I had to turn in an investigation project that I hadn't finished. Thing is, that what actually triggered the panic attack was when I called my mother for comfort, and I heard her crying. It was stronger when I heard her crying because I was disappointed in myself, because at the moment I thought it to be selfish to worry my mother like that just to look comfort for myself.
Also, when I am talking (or writing) about anything that can trigger a "reset" after that it seems as if I was different. Sometimes cold, sometimes just completely antisocial, and sometimes I just want to talk to everyone at once. Thing is, I don't feel as if they were completely different people, but as if for some reason, I completely focus on one way of thinking, sometimes disregarding any feelings. Also I find it extremely hard to communicate with others directly if I know a bit about them, but not if they are complete strangers. At least on the internet.
Well, I don't remember what was the intention of this post, if it was looking for comfort, having it published later for "refreshing" or just to share my problem.
I am going to be honest right now. In this exact moment, after finishing this post, I actually don't know whether or not if it's true.
I know I normally say things that after time don't make sense, but if I take this into account, maybe I actually am split. If I am actually trying to make sense out of this, and it is true, then that would mean that there could actually be multiple me's. Heck, for all I know, I could just be the "skeptical one", and there are others. I'm going to post this, as I know that I shouldn't just throw away anything that could actually help me find what is actually happening. But if it's true, why do I feel as if I never changed. Could it be that all other "me"s are very alike? Does that mean that If I convince all "me"s that I actually have this problem, they would split even more, even actually be so different that people might think I'm crazy?
Oh fluck. I'm going to stop writing here, I'm so confused.