thank you guys!

its a REALLY long story, but i got written up twice in a week for tons of mistakes i was making at my job. stuff that i know how to do, but was slipping. in these meetings there was lots of crying on my part. i fall apart when we have tough conversations. in the second one (a few days after i first got written up), i was 40 minutes late to work because i over-slept. I KNEW i was going to be in big trouble for that. So I got called in, and my boss was almost incredulous that I actually was late. I had no answer, and of course, just shut down and cried.

She then told me how concerned she was, and how she was afraid for my safety, and just got this sense from me that i don't have a support network. True. She asked if she should be concerned about my safety, and it took me a minute to say no. I don't know why, because i am not suicidal.

So she said she had to think/talk to her boss/the lawyer about all of this. It was the most agonizing hour of my life. I peeked my head in at one point to ask her something and she was crying. Oy. When I went back in she directly asked me if i was suicidal, and i said no. She knows I am in therapy and said that she thinks that they don't understand how grave of a situation i am in because she thinks I don't understand the severity of it all.

I admit that I feel like i've lost all perspective of myself. She said that maybe she could call and talk to my T, and I was like "mmmm....no" After meeting with my T, and me being terrified of truly losing my job, they suggested that she come in and meet. And she agreed. And that is what followed.

It does seem like she cares. I can't not believe that, I mean how many bosses will go to their employee's therapist?! BUT, I am constantly waiting for her to change her mind. Think she was nuts to ever put this much effort into me. She has told me that if she didn't like me personally so much, that i would have gotten fired long ago. So, there is only so much she will be able to take. I know she has to be conscientious of her professional/personal boundaries, and she can only help so much. It still is a business.

Ugh. This all just sucks. I am so scared that all this energy that I am putting into my job right now (and basically it is everything i have) is going to burn out at some point. I will make a stupid mistake, be late...or do something that will do me in. Its just biding my time. I feel like i'm running up Mt. Everest, and falling constantly down the mountain. I keep trying to get up there, but whats the point?