I would put this in relationships except it isn't a specific person. It's all people, and my relationship not with them, but with needing them. I loose my confidence when I have not but one friend.. or at least someone who I pretend to call my friend. I loose so much of my strength and I cling to their leg even if they are mean to me, doing everything they want and trying to be everything they need just so they wont go away. My views of them as a person becomes distorted and idealized, so I feel like I have a reason to need them as much as I do.

But when I meet someone else, and I've established something with that person, it seems my confidence comes back and I can put my foot down. I can tell my "friend" that they are horrible to me and unless they shape up I'm going to leave. I can protect myself if I have someone else, I can find strength if I have someone else..

Yet.. I wonder if these people aren't really my friends.. and while I cry about them using me, cry about them being so selfish.. I wonder if I am not the same, or even worse than them. I use people as diaries, as entertainment, I use people like they're my crutches, or my air. I don't think I've ever been true friends with someone.. I don't know if I even know how.. It seems every "friend" I've ever had started off as a back up/replacement for someone else.

But perhaps this way of thinking is from the mood I am in and I'm just being silly..