((((((( HUGS )))))))

I hear you and I feel what you are saying, for I too have these feelings and I am growing tired of my irrational mind winning out over what I know to be true.... wounded feelings (our emotions) always has a stronger pull on our belief system, right or wrong, and how it makes us act / react in the present, until they are fully felt and dealt with.

Now, bare with me a minute while I take you from point A to point B... while we can see the reason for your upsets (the abuse, the abandonment, your mother) - that does not tell us the original wound... let me explain.
I was sexual abused, emotionally abuse, rejected by my mother for one of the men that abused me, abandonment by my natural father at age 1 yr old, blamed by my siblings for our family breaking up (over the abuse) and left emotionally at times by my own husband for the images he allowed into his eyes.
Now - while we can see how and why these events can destroy a person and take their mind from them and leave the wish of death upon them - Can we tell what the original pain is here? - the first wound that now haunts and controls?

Well, with six years of therapy for the childhood wounds and then one year therapy using "Radical Forgiveness" technics and the "The Script" to deal with my present wound - I was able to under cover the real source (the wound), the one that my husbands wondering eyes and lusting mind resonates in me now.... that leave me feeling ugly, worthless and like death is better than living.

MY WOUND: is that
I "will not be loved / wanted" and that I will be "replaced" by another.... like I was when my mom chooses a man that abused me over her own daughter, like the way I felt when my natural father rejected me (left me) and replaced me with a younger girl - his daughter with his new wife, and like I now feel when my husband used to choice the beauties he views in PICS (and allowed into his sexual mind) over ME - His wife His friend His lover.

MY DEEPEST FEAR (original wound)................. is that I will be REPLACED by ANOTHER

Do you see what I am trying to get at? - can you see the connection between my past and how my child like mind perceived matters back then and how it lives through my live now as though it was real, matters from the past yet here in the present - to control me?

Our past will always effect our present if there is still left over residue... undealt with, that which is unknown at times.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -