Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot
I would put this in relationships except it isn't a specific person. It's all people, and my relationship not with them, but with needing them. I loose my confidence when I have not but one friend.. or at least someone who I pretend to call my friend. I loose so much of my strength and I cling to their leg even if they are mean to me, doing everything they want and trying to be everything they need just so they wont go away. My views of them as a person becomes distorted and idealized, so I feel like I have a reason to need them as much as I do.
But when I meet someone else, and I've established something with that person, it seems my confidence comes back and I can put my foot down. I can tell my "friend" that they are horrible to me and unless they shape up I'm going to leave. I can protect myself if I have someone else, I can find strength if I have someone else..
Yet.. I wonder if these people aren't really my friends.. and while I cry about them using me, cry about them being so selfish.. I wonder if I am not the same, or even worse than them. I use people as diaries, as entertainment, I use people like they're my crutches, or my air. I don't think I've ever been true friends with someone.. I don't know if I even know how.. It seems every "friend" I've ever had started off as a back up/replacement for someone else.
But perhaps this way of thinking is from the mood I am in and I'm just being silly..
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LittleForgetMeNot,
I know what you mean. Relationships are really hard. I don't quite get it, when I was young I was reprimanded for being too social. The notes home would say things like, "social butterfly, doesn't focus enough on schoolwork."
Then as I aged I got slowly more and more quiet and found it harder and harder to relate to people. By the time I was 30 I had maybe two or three good friends. But when I went into a very deep depression, they couldn't relate and I found I just couldn't talk to them.
I also realized that one of those friends that I spent so much time with, really didn't treat me very well. So those two main friends I lost. Now I have a partner, who is wonderful and my partner's friends are kind to me, but I really have no friends of my own! I think, "how did this happen??" One thing that has helped has been to go to some 12 step meetings. I had trouble with alcoholism in my family so I have been going to Al Anon, but there are other meetings as well including co-dependency meetings etc. I have also found a good deal of insight from this author called Harriet Lerner. She has written several good books including,
Dance of Intimacy and
Dance of Anger. All in all I think I just wanted to pass on that I can relate. Sending supportive thoughts your way. Be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you are really working on this and have a lot of self awareness.
Elana