i know that i am relatively new here i havent done much to my profile and probably thought of as a lurker since i joined in Jan and couldnt get the nerve up to post until a few days ago. i dont want to be triggering to anyone (i actually had to read up to figure that out) but i was diagnosed with D.I.D years before i had my daughter. i was told because of the sexual abuse i suffered that carrying a child would be really hard for me. that actually ended my marriage coupled with the fact i hated being touched had flashbacks and the ex husband had a hard time dealing with the fact that my father sexually abused me from the age of 4 (that i actually remember) until i left home at 18. he said he couldnt get past knowing what happened so within a year of him finding all this out he couldnt take the strain and stress and did the only thing he knew to do and that was leave. that was 10 years ago and i never remarried. i have an aversion to sex and well one of my alters is bisexual. i wanted to have a child but couldnt bring myself to do the "deed" it was to repulsive to me and i cant stand being touched so that has always been a problem. my bad girl part inside doesnt give a hoot about much of anything. she hates men but was willing i guess you could say to do what i couldnt. im sure im not making sense but i have to get this out because its driving me nuts. i cant talk to people about this and noone around me knows that i have D.I.D they all just think im super depressed and then crazy as hell when im acting unlike myself (im agoraphobic i dont like to socialize and i dont have very many friends in fact i can count on one hand how many people i actually talk to and not on a regular basis im quite isolated) when i brought up mental illness with my family they are all so super religious that they swore i was just demon possessed and tried to cast them out of us. im not sure i will ever get over what they did to us and i know those inside me wont either but that is another stupid story of our life. wow this is harder than i thought to get out ok try again........... the part of me that likes to party and can be social if she chooses to be she likes to be called Vic. she is very aggressive and bullies if she can get away with it. she doesnt like to be touched either unless she initiates it (which is something i cant even do) i hate her for the most part but am appreciative for what she did for me. i was spending time in and out of mental hospital for suicide attempts and the only thing that i wanted or felt i could love or love me was a child. i knew it would be impossible for me to carry a baby and i couldnt afford to pay for a donor at a clinic so i resided to the fact i would be childless because letting a man do those things to me would just make me sick and i end up trying to kill myself again. a few weeks after getting out of the hospital i dissociated for several days which wasnt uncommon back then because of the drugs and alcohol Vic enjoyed i could disappear and not have to be around that mess anyways i dont know how but she managed to talk a friend into doing the deed with her until she became pregnant. a couple months after that i started getting sick and staying sick to the point i had to go to the hospital it was then i found out i was pregnant with my daughter. i couldnt tell them when i had last had sex or any of the details they wanted i was so overwhelmed and for the first time i believe in my life i thought i felt what happiness was. i went back into therapy and tried very hard not to be stupid in any way to protect the child growing inside of me. for several months its sad to say i wasnt sure who the father was until one day he showed up at my house. he said i havent seen you in a while and i was curious if you got what you wanted and now im no use to you. i met my daughters father and knew immediately i didnt want him to be a part of her life. i didnt lie to him but told him i had changed and didnt do the things i used to do. he would come around and try to be friendly but our lifestyles were very different. he smokes i hate the smell of smoke and he really wanted Vic and i just wasnt her. during my pregnancy i went to therapy 2 times a week and wasnt dissociating that much at all from what i could gather from the therapist Vic didnt want any part of it but felt she had to do what she did in order for survival if i kept on with the suicide attempts she would die right along with me. thats why i said eventho i hate that part of me at least even if it was selfish she gave me a gift of life that i couldnt achieve on my own. during my 2nd trimester the mother (my mom) died from a brain anurysm we had so many unresolved issues that her death left me with more questions and open wounds than any closure. it was at her death that i started dissociating again and Vic was stupid a couple times by drinking but stopped when she realized i would kill myself and her before i allow her to hurt the child growing inside of us. she pretty much stayed gone until after the birth then it became a constant battle between us (the other 3 inside dont care either way) to do the right thing. i know this is long and i will just end it there because im becoming quite anxious and exhausted from trying to keep Vic controlled. she doesnt like that i talk about her or that i say she does things im not proud of in fact she hates me as much as i hate her. i guess i said all that in order to ask this has anyone else had this happen to them? when i had my daughter i wanted to be a whole person but that hasnt happened. its a constant struggle with the others inside to stay in control and i have to say i fail miserably. has anyone else became pregnant during an altered state and how do you and the alter feel about the child. i know that i wasnt there when my child was created but to me she is everything my life my all but for Vic she is just called the kid and she has no attachment whatsoever but does try when she is out to be sortof decent like she feeds her things that i normally wouldnt give her (in a way its a treat for my lil girl cuz i dont give in on junk food or boxed food) Vic wont hold her but will hug her if she wants a hug and plays with her i guess its just not in that part of me's nature to be maternal. i hope i just havent made myself sound like a worthless piece of trash and bad mother. i promise my child is very well taken care of maybe i shouldnt have asked the question but its eating me up inside wondering if im the only one with this experience - sorry its so long i ramble when nervous and trying not to be