Hello everyone. Just a friendly warning; this is going to be a rather long post-I find myself still dwelling on the problem and I wish not to leave anything out.
I would like to start by giving you an idea of what kind of person I am. I am VERY CHILDISH when it comes to my feelings. It comes from a combination of my overprotective parents and being bullied in school; humiliated, ignored and insulted by people who claimed to be my friends. I don't think they were actually aware of how hurt I got by their behavior, and I never told them that. I tend to keep things and emotions for myself. Now I know kids get bullied all the time-but I suppose we are not all equally able to get over it. I was always a magnet for those nasty bullies and learned to play my part really well. Where I come from you simply don't discuss emotional problems. A problem is not having money to put the food on the table *though ironically enough my family never had problems with money*. So this turned into a pattern-I keep my fears and dilemmas to myself and everybody thinks I am cheery and wonderful all the time.
My problems began five months ago. I had traveled abroad to study at a University. Even tough I had lived away from my family before that, this was the farthest I had ever gone until then. I felt free, confident and sociable enough to instantly make two friends whom I shall call Lisa and Sarah. Even though I am 22, my feelings for a slightly older Lisa can only be described as those of a child towards an older sibling or a parent even. She was an amazingly caring friend from day one. She would keep me company all the time, say wonderful things about me and tell me we should not leave each other for new people. I am usually very suspicious of people and it takes some time for me to start trusting them-but she managed to go around that wall and become somebody very important to me. Sarah on the other hand was in my opinion an annoying chatterbox discussing strange, dark and at times scary topics about supernatural matters or the spiritual world. I didn't like her at all but I kept my mouth shut. I was kind of jealous and didn't want to drive away Lisa with my jealousy.
I know it sounds irrational to get attached to somebody in two weeks time-that is what happened. That is when I started noticing Lisa was distancing herself away from Sarah and me. It started with us not hearing from her in a few days after which she sent me a text. Then I ran into her and we talked for almost two hours with her saying she felt like she was neglecting us and insisted on keeping me company at the local store while I was doing my shopping. After that I asked her a few times to join Sarah and me for dinner at Sarah's place and she declined every invite. Sarah was the first one to bring up Lisa's behavior and said we should talk to her. But because I don't know how to confront people and I was already emotionally involved-I decided to be all passive aggressive about it. I thought Lisa would eventually figure out she was hurting me-I mean-she said it herself-she felt like she was neglecting us. And then I read on her Facebook she was going to a concert-the concert we discussed going to together. She was going with her new friends and she didn't even invite me. I got really upset and depressed and decided very childishly I should ignore her. That wasn't very difficult since she wasn't really trying to communicate with me. She would like an occasional FB status and one time she sent me a text on alarms which I didn't answer to. On the day of the concert I ran into her but I was so angry I just said hi even though she probably wanted to casually chat and make herself believe that everything was okay. A week later I left a status on my FB she finally figured out. I said I didn't need people in my life who so obviously didn't want to be my friends. It was late and we started arguing through FB messages *stupid I know* and she had an excuse for every single thing I called her on. I tried conveying to her how hurt I was by her behavior and all I got was her ironic and defensive attitude. She told me she didn't invite me to the concert because I had canceled one of our previous plans and she didn't want to risk not going to it. I told her she could have asked me in addition to her friends so she wouldn't have risked anything. Then she said they bought the tickets in a hurry and it made all the sense of the world to her to go with people she saw every day. She also said a real friend would understand she was busy with her studies. I told her that in two weeks time she could have found time for one coffee or one lunch-especially since we live minutes away from each other and go to same Uni and eat at the same place every single day-especially since just a week ago she was saying very different things about our friendship and us not leaving each other for new people. She wasn't ready to admit to anything and I was too busy victimizing myself, so at one point I just wished her a happy life and deleted her off of my FB.
That's when i started talking to Sarah about everything and she actually changed her story. She now was not discussing Lisa's strange behavior but said we were equally to be blamed about the situation. She also said there was a deep connection between Lisa and me and that we both got really hurt. Since I don't like the idea of hurting somebody and Sarah now convinced me Lisa was not simply being convenient and selfish about everything, I started trying to communicate with Lisa. I fist sent her this idiotic message asking her to treat each other in a polite way in spite of the fight. Then I sent her a few texts asking her to talk to me and a long apologetic letter. She ignored me-completely. So a friend advised me I should get nasty with her and make her react. I sent her a nasty text, well it wasn't really nasty, it was just very honest about how much she made me feel like crap and she still hadn't answer. You would think this was enough for me-but no. One night I called her, we talked for about two minutes after which she hung up. I tried calling her after that, feeling insulted and simply angry. Since she wasn't answering i went to her apartment *she lives two minutes away* and she said she would not talk to me at all. So i uttered something nasty and left. This was over four months ago. Since then I changed my FB accout (she had me blocked on my old one) and told her she could do it again if she wanted to because the new account was not for her benefit *and it wasn't, I change my accounts quite a lot*. So she did-block me again. This was two months ago.
I still find myself dwelling on the friendship, missing those two to three weeks of us hanging out, wandering how badly I hurt somebody i cared about. I am still confused. She did not have to be so nice and invested and say all those things and at the end of the day she didn't have to ignore me to that point. I could just use some fresh outlook on the situation since I don't feel like I can trust Sarah which is a topic for another post. I know this may seem like a trivial problem but it is bothering me quite a lot. My friends tell me I am simply emotionally immature and that I will grow out of it. In order to do that in this particular situation-I would like to know what happened with Lisa but she unfortunately does not speak to me anymore. I still do not understand her behavior.
Thank you very much in advance.