Where I am in life I am not really sure. I am 20 years old and a freshman in college with no idea what to do. I'm struggling even to write this cuase I just do not know where to begin.I guess I will just go over my problems one by one. Here it goes. . .

All my life I have had trouble with school. I had pretty bad grades all through out middle school. I remember the day I came home with my 9th grade report card, smiling with no care about it. My mom was furious when she saw the three D's I had received. I always have had trouble with doing home work and studying in general. Studying for me was almost non-existent and procrastination has been by my side all my life. Furthermore, I rarely asked my parents to check my homework. I slowly started to care for my grades, but only enough to get by with a few As, Bs, and Cs. Also, I hate math with a passion, maybe because I never really bothered to take it seriously.Thee basic stuff like adding and such was easy, but as soon we we started learning Algebra, I just have up. However, I did enjoy Geometry and did not really have any trouble with it. History is interesting for me, but not enough that I look in to it on my own time. Science is alright. My dad is a chemist by the way, and he has a PhD which worked really hard for even while raising kids. That PhD allows him to get off work any Friday he wants. Anyways, English I don't really like either. Essays are a pain in the *** for me and I just plain don't like them. I used to read back in the day and I wish to start again, but I have not picked up a book since my junior year of high school when I noticed none of my friends read. I am now on my 2nd semester of community college and struggling to focus my self on school. Apparently I chose and English class with the most difficult professor. I can honestly say I do not do my best in that class, but she says my writing skills are good and I should pursue an English major. In my head I am thinking no way. My 1st Research paper is due in this class and I have known about it since day one. The outline is do tomorrow which is 85% of the whole thing and I have done nothing for it. I just could not bring my self to do the the work I do not know why. I will probably skip my class tomorrow just to work on the paper all day. My other classes I sort of enjoy as well. Currently I feel no passion for school at all. I just do not know what to do about it.

My parents have known this, but I keep them in the dark about most of my life especially my dad who I have never really been close with. My dad divorced his previous wife of whom he had four kids who are my siblings now. From what I understand is that my siblings have given him a lot of trouble, and I just decided to kind of keep my distance from him I guess. Most of the dinners I have with my parents are silent. Occasionally one of us will say something and we all join in to talk. Rarely though will the conversations last longer than that 20 minutes.
I love my parents, but because of my mom I missed out on high school parties. I was never allowed to spend the night anywhere which is what everyone did to sneak out and party.

My Social life I feel is dangling by a severely frayed rope that I fear will be cut soon. Growing up I hung out with different kinds of people. I met my best friend in 2nd grade and our friendship lasted till high school because we went to different schools. He was very outgoing and was friends with many people, especially girls. I can say the worst issue I have in my life is that of girls. I have never had a girlfriend. I do not know how to talk to them. I am really uncomfortable around them, I most of the time I show it by frowning. I have no confidence in my self what so ever. I middle school I like three girls in each grade. I never told them them, but they all eventually found out, but they never really approached me about it. I think it is because of my wide looking face which I got made fun of a lot back in the day. I was called melon head, sqareface, football head, you get the idea. Even my name was made fun of. During highshool the group of friends I eventually fell in with, turned those names in to jokes. They called me all sorts of names, but only cuase I would get mad about it. There was this girl at my church that I liked during 9th grade. After a long time I got her number, and we texted a little bit. But when she got her friends on the phone, it was the last time I talked with her. I was a weird kid. I never hung out with girls, i did not know what to talk about with them. That rejection planted a seed in me which I can say thorny plants have sprouted from. The next girl I had a crush for 3 full years all the way through out high school. I think I actually fell in love with her. The feeling that came over me every time I saw her made time stop around me.
The problem was that she was friends with the popular crowd. I was friends of people that were friends with that group, but I never really got any closer than that. She eventually noticed me and approached me in band class near the end of my freshman year. She asked me if she could have a piece of gum. I was shocked hat she came over, but I tried to hide it. I gave her the gum but I really didn't say anything. I knew that she knew I liked her, but I just could not approach her at all. I thought of her everyday and all though out summer too. During my my sophomore year she would walk by be everyday with her friend, and I said nothing. This went on until my senior year of high school. Actually I did talk to her but only 3 times in my life. I remember two of those encounters clearly. The 1st happened my sophmore year. I just decided to bump in to her in the same lunch line and it was a disaster. She was with a friend and I just sort of said hi and I LEFT the line to go to the bathroom. I came back to the SAME line and she saw me I just got my food and ate it. My friends knew about this issue and they tried to help me, but I just couldn't do it. I befriended this guy in highschool who I looked up to. He was like me in middle school, but decided to change. He was a ladies man, very funny, good looking, and of course he was in shape. He worked his *** of to get an eight-pack, and still has one to this day. He was part of the group I wanted to fit in with, and slowly I inched my self in with them. This group friends knew everybody. They weren't all necessarily popular, but they were friends with ones who were. Anyways the guy I was talking about knew about my girl issues and he tried to help me out so much. In a way, I had hoped his personality would rub off on me, but it just never happened. Also, I had difficulty with asking for people's numbers cause I was so awkward. I also have a nerdy side as well, and i was friends with these two other dudes that were the same. I spend a lot of time with them because we liked video games and computers and that. I have recently severed my connection with them cause I wanted to stick with the cooler crowd. I know that a selfish thing to do, but I just knew my social life was better off with out them.

Ive always worried about my looks. I also not in really great shape. I am not fat, but I don have abs which i really want. Everybody says I big they say my shoulders are wide. I don't see it. I work out on and off, but I can not seem to keep a routine for long. And I LOVE food. I cut a lot of junk food out of my life, but I splurge in some food every once in a while and eat what ever. I just can't seem to find the determination to get in shape, I know it will boost my confidence. But every time I have a bad day or something, i look at my life. I remember all my past mistakes and how weird I am, and I just lose all momentum and just not care about anything.

I grew up with video games and spent way to much time with them.
I can play for hours at a time. But, lately I have just lost all my passion for video games. Nowadays, I watch movies a lot or my TV shows online. I don't pay attention to the news, sports or anything. I'm like in my own world which I want to get out of.

I have so much more to write about the issues in my life, but my laziness is winning right now. Please read this and just give me a sense of direction. I'm no where near suicidal or depressed, but I'm not really happy all the same either.