Phew.... what a long and stressful day! I am so glad to be back in my sanctuary. I am glad to be back here with you guys. Hanging out with 'normals' is just too much to take sometimes. They think it is easy to 'just calm down... don't get so excited.... it's no big deal.... settle down'. And this is when I am playing superwoman to keep things as controlled as possible. They think they are witnessing my anxiety because I am visibly on edge but they don't realize that they are seeing but a pin pricks worth of what is going on inside of me. If a momentary relapse causes me to expose a hint of anxiety I have a plastic smile I put on that hides what is really going on inside. It communicates that while I may have expressed some frustration or angst for a second it was only for a second. Brushed off like 'normals' do.
Sometimes, when I have had enough listening to someone who doesn't have a clue about what an anxiety disorder is about, or perhaps doesn't even accept that there is such a thing.... thinks it is just an excuse to be over dramatic about something everyone goes through now and then.... in my frustration I will try to explain that it isn't the same as 'normal' anxiety, or depression, insomnia, hyper sensitivity, hyper energy etc.... I tell them to imagine the anxiety or depression or whatever they have experienced and magnify it by a thousand and they might get a slight sense of what it is like for me. I don't know why I waste my breath because 9 times out of 10 they just shake their head and tell me I am exaggerating again and once again they tell me to just take a deep breath and calm down. ARRGGG!
While the advice in essence is not off track, it is what we are practicing through meditation and breathing exercises, through therapy and self discovery etc etc but it is the assumption that it is easy and my inablity to get a grip is because I am weakwilled or something even worse. When in fact we know just how much strength of will and self determination it takes just to survive everyday and get up again the next day to do it again. I guess that is why it is so comforting and calming to be able to come here and be understood. To not need to explain or justify or be made to feel I bring everything onto myself. To come to where I am acknowledged for my strength and not ridiculed for my weakness.
I hate that I have to break away to be alone to destress while others continue socializing. I hate a lot of the limitations in my life that the long list of dysfunctions that have attached themselves to me. I hate even more that 'normals' think I should just get over myself and calm down.
Okay.... enough of my rant. I do want to comment on somethings that you guys have shared but I will need to pick it up tomorrow. It is already 1am and tomorrow is the first day back at school after a 2 week spring break. The man will still be here and no doubt the request for this or that will be endless and so the drama continues.
I did have a settling meditation before I signed on and will do some more again in the hopes that it will help some more to bring me to a calmer place before I attempt to sleep. I am super tired so if I can get my brain to shut down I should be able to enter into lala land.
Thank you so much for being here and for sharing so much about your own lives and life histories. It means a lot to me.
Sweet dreams and I look forward to coming back tomorrow to catch up.... though any extended periods of time to myself may be at a premium the next couple of days yet.
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