Oh, bcuz, I'm so sorry.

My son has been this way toward me for years, so I know how painful it can be. He goes back and forth between hating me and loving me. It's almost a barometer of how well he's doing. When he's sinking down, he starts getting really paranoid about me.

I think you're wise to give yourself (and him) some space right now. Take really good care of yourself. Do the things you enjoy doing. Then you just have to play it by ear. Something will happen that will let you know it's time to move again.

For example, one time (April-May 2008) my son started pulling away, then we lost contact altogether. My sister called me to say my son was making odd calls to her. He called and asked if I was capable of murder, for example. Then he called and told her a chunk of his brain had broken off and slid down his spinal column. I called him for a few days, left messages that were never returned, then I went to his apartment one Saturday night with my mom. We found him holed up there, paranoid and suicidal. He was very hostile toward me (that's why my mom was there!), but I stayed and kept talking until I found a way to get him to the hospital.

I've had to live by my wits for years. We have this little dance where he gets close and then pulls away, and I have to sense when I can move and when I have to stay still. (That's why I agreed not to force meds/hospitalizations, btw. The paranoia it created in him was too much.)

I've just learned to use the away times to give myself a chance to rest.