Hi. I went to the doctors and started my speel of notes - you know what i'm like i can ramble for forever! And half-way through he asked me to stop, saying he'd got enough and that i had depression. It was wierdly relieving to hear this, especially after last time when i didn't feel listened to. But he said that he couldn't put me on prozac because i was going to India in a few weeks and he wouldn't be able to moniter me. He gave me some names of books to read etc but suggested that my time in India maybe what i need. I'm not totally sure about this, but it'll certainly get me out of the rut i'm in - so maybe he's right. He suggested as i'm leaving school etc i may be getting stressed etc but i tried to point i've been feeling like this for years. Anyway, so i have some books to read because he said his hands were tied by my trip to India. My sister doesn't want me to go because she's worried but i'm thinking it'll probably shake me out of it, or give me a new perspective. But this is now when i'm feeling good - things will be alot harder in India (more stress) and i can sometimes hardly cope here so i can't imagine what i'll be like out there. But then on the other hand - i've coped for this long haven't i?? I'll just stop everything getting through again - hopefully that way i'll have the strength to cope - numbness always the best option! The doctor said to come back after India if i felt no better. I just have no time for anything.
Also now i think that i have to tell my parents especially as my sister is going back to Uni. But i don't know, it's really scary. Plus my situation hasn't really changed - the doctor couldn't implement anything so i kinda feel out on my own again - if you know what i mean. It isn't his fault or anything but.....
He also asked me how i'd kill myself if i would want to kill myself. And i lied to him by saying i didn't really think about it - not really. And although i don't that much i have more recently. I doubt i could have answered his question anyway as i would never kill myself ever, but i feel alittle bad for playing it down slightly (not that much. just alittle). But my sister was in the room and was upset, what could i say without freaking her out. Besides it isn't that bad anyway.
Just thought i'd say thanks for all your advice, i know i will still be around (sorry!!). And if you have any more advice about how to tell people or the trip to India i'd much appreciated it. It's nice to have people to bounce ideas off - sorry these things are so mundane to you lot!
thankyou!! Abby.