Hi Sannah,

Yes, I do need to find acceptance about my mom. I just wish that we could talk -- really talk -- about our feelings with each other. I wish I could ask her why she did certain things she did (or didn't do). I wish she would tell me what she thinks of me, and we could hash out any hurts that have happened between us over time. I have a feeling there have been tons of misunderstandings that have happened since i was a baby that we never shared with each other or worked through. And it just seems that if we could hash things out, like i do with my t when i get hurt feelings with her, then maybe things would be so much better with my mom. But it doesn't seem like my parents are open to it.

i know there is much my parents have mis-perceived about me, just from the little statements that they've made over time. But it feels like there is just no way to "correct" things, to make them right. And that is part of what keeps me stuck and so frustrated. I feel like our whole relationship is built on assumptions and misinterpretations, never on true and solid communication. I don't know them, and they don't know me. I feel like they have me "all wrong," and maybe I do with them also. But they are not helping me understand. And they are not trying to understand. Anytime i've tried to talk about my depression and anxiety problems now, they clam up. Any time I've tried to bring up some painful situation from my childhood, my mom denies that anything bad happened that would have created my problems today. So i just don't even try talking about it anymore. When they come visit, I have to put on the happy face and just have fun. It's the only way I can relate to them -- they won't allow anything different. And it feels so fake. . .and i feel alone with them.

The other problem i face is that i have no close friends in 3D. Not even friends, really. I'd call them acquaintances. Nobody i go do things with socially. Nobody who invites me to do anything with them. I used to have some friends when my husband was active along with me in our religion. We did things alot with other couples. But since he quit going, and since my depression and anxiety problems, I've become isolated. Of the three close friends i had before my breakdown, one of them moved away, and the other two relationships were destroyed over the course of my depression. Long story. I'm terrified to get close to anybody now because of how badly they misunderstood me during my depression, and how terribly things ended with them. So i take the blame for not reaching out and trying to make friends and have a support system. But nobody else in my congregation is going out of their way to try to befriend me either.

I recently spoke to the elders about how isolated and lonely i feel in the congregation, and since then 2 or 3 people have shown more interest in me, even one of them inviting me to a meal at her house. But now i feel like the elders must have asked people to be my friend, so i feel like a pity case! I want people to "want" to be my friend, not to do it because they feel obligated. I'm going to go to the meal anyway, though, because i think it is wrong for me to complain about not having friends, but then turn down opportunities when they arise. But truthfully, i'm really, really scared to start any kind of relationship with anyone. If my former friends, who knew me for years, misunderstood my depression so badly and blamed me for it, then how can i expect anybody to understand me? I mean, i don't have to dump my problems on my friends, and i don't plan to. But i also don't want just another situation like with my parents, where i have to be fake and put on a happy face all the time. i feel like if anybody gets to know the real me, they don't like me anymore.