My mum was really horrible and yet really nice. It was very confusing and hard as a child because she would go from being nice and caring then to being abusive and accusing. When I was a kid I hated her and I wished that I had another family. I wanted her to die. I can remember thinking that alot. I was so scared of her. I still see her now. Sometimes I think I see her too often. Yesterday it dawned on me that I still hate her. I do still wish that I never had to see her again and I feel that I would be free if she was dead. I feel really awful about the way that I feel about my mother. I don't want to feel this way but I do. Not seeing her again would be such a relief. The truth is that she repulses me. I can't stand her touching me and having to kiss her or hug her is disgusting. But I don't want to feel like this, I want to accept her for who she is. It's a very hard place to be in. I am not ok about the way I dislike my mother. I don't want to feel this way. My other brothers and sisters have nothing to do with her really. Except one brother who sees her once a week. I feel like I have been left to endure her. The others live away and don't even send her a birthday card or even call her for christmas. One sister said that she wouldn't even go to her funeral if she died. She would most probably being dancing around with joy and I think I would be too. I feel guilty that I feel this way.